Dealing with teenagers' romantic relationships

We're entering a new phase with our sons — dealing with the "girl" factor. Of course as a mother, my first thoughts are, don't date until you're 35.

As I considered the best way to handle this (duct tape them to the wall until they are 21?), I read powerful pointers in JeaNette G. Smith's book, "Unsteady."

She shares that ideally dating should begin at age 16, and then it should only be group dates. Steady dating is not even necessary until someone is ready to choose a potential mate and marry, usually in their early 20s.

She relates, "Nearly half of marriages in which the bride is 18 or younger end in separation or divorce within 10 years. In the 1950s, nearly half of all women married in their teens."

Now the median marriage age is 25, and it's not vastly different for those who are LDS. Most of us can see that it's confusing and morally unwise to have youths at 16 begin searching for a possible mate when they won't marry until their early to mid-20s.

This, of course, begs the question: How much romance is OK and how does that affect the physical aspect, the greatest concern for most parents? What's been long ignored in the romance equation is the need both boys and girls have for emotional intimacy. This precludes physical actions.

Once we as parents take stock in the emotional status of our homes — stable home environment, positive affection and verbal praise, healthy emotional communication — then youths are open to the "why" of self-discipline and delaying romantic relationships.

Particularly for our girls, when they date too young and too seriously for too long, they face a host of issues with their self-image. Someone has a powerful influence over them, what they wear, do, say, or become involved in, someone who will likely not be in their lives for long. In this book, one girl stated that her steady boyfriend required her to stay at home when he was out of town. Early experiences like this can affect their self-esteem and ability to develop normally for years to come.

What helped me understand my part in this process is that Smith shares we as adults unintentionally tend to encourage romance and early dating by what we say.

"That which you inquire about you encourage. If 'How's Suzie?' is the first question we ask, he's going to want to have an answer for us. He may not have seen Suzie for weeks … but the adult's question makes him question himself."

We can ask about our children's lives — sports, travel, pets, movies — without having to mention members of the opposite sex.