Kirilenko's ride on the ultimate gravy train

I recently read where a 24-year-old Brit named Ben Southall landed what is being called the world's best job. He won a contest conducted by Tourism Queensland in Australia, whereby he will live in a luxury villa on an island for six months. The job description includes exploring the Great Barrier Reef, cleaning the pool, collecting mail, feeding the fish and blogging on behalf of Tourism Queensland.

For that he will be paid $114,000 in American dollars.

I have to admit, that's a good job.

But for my money, the world's best job is Andrei Kirilenko's. The Jazz forward is scheduled to make $16 million next year. What is he supposed to do to earn that money?

Put on weight.

Honest.

So hand over the donuts — the man has work to do. Really, really pleasant work.

Admittedly, there are other good jobs besides playing in the NBA. Being "national spokesperson" for anything is a pretty nice gig — mostly just lending your name. Boxer Joe Louis held a job as "greeter" at Caesars Palace in his dwindling years, kind of like Wal-Mart, except people usually answered back. Not bad, just hanging out, being yourself.

Jon Bon Jovi has a decent job, too. All he has to do belt out rock and roll songs and fight off groupies.

But for pure pleasure, it would be hard to beat A.K.'s situation. You make $195,000 a game, get five months' vacation, and your off-season assignment is to pack on the pounds.

His three signature phrases of the summer:

"YES, I want it biggie-sized."

"Top it off with whipped cream, will you?"

"I'm eating for two. Me and Jerry Sloan."

Kirilenko, as you know, isn't like normal people. Most of us gain weight just driving past a bakery. He actually loses eight or 10 pounds a season — and he's not heavy to begin with. By year's end, he looks like Calista Flockhart.

But you can't blame Sloan for trying. Kirilenko is woefully outmanned when he goes against beefy guys. He can't get the ball above chest level before someone slaps it away or muscles him out of the picture.

How many times have you cursed his inability to finish?

Speaking of finishing, are you gonna eat that?

In a remote way, I understand what A.K. is experiencing. I weighed less than my slide rule in high school. I can't tell you the number of times someone has said, "Rock, get your skinny rear over there."

George McFly, that was me.

Only those who have lived it know the frustration of being unable to gain weight. When I was in my early 20s, my mom decided she was going to "put some meat on those bones," even though she didn't have much on her own. She ordered me to drink at least one milkshake a day, besides my normal diet. So I did.

Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing.

It's a good thing for me steroids hadn't yet become common or I might have taken a chance.