Dear Universe,

I have a question and I would like an answer, please. But before I ask, I want to remind you of the list some friends and I made not too long ago.

It's called STUFF WE HAVE SEEN OUR DOGS EAT.

Here goes.

Cupcakes from Les Madeleines. Other baked goods from Les Madeleines. Brioche dough. An entire pizza. An entire pizza box soaked with grease.

Cupcakes from Mrs. Backer's. Used Kleenix tissues. Tile grout. Rotten fruit straight out of the compost bin. Corn cobs. Prescription medicines. Cow patties.

A dozen doughnuts from Banbury Cross. Expensive shoes. Cheap shoes. Socks. Diapers. A pound of salmon in tinfoil. Tinfoil.

Flies, bees and wasps "right out of the sky."

Vomit. Lots of it.

Carpet. Runners on a rocking chair. A down-filled parka. A broken light bulb. Empty soda cans. An empty Tylenol bottle. A roll of toilet paper. Grass. A sofa cushion. A grilled pork chop sitting on someone's dinner plate. A Phalaenopsis orchid.

Miniature palm trees. De-worming pills. A wild chicken in Amelia's mother's backyard. Eyewear. Underwear. The backside of a pair of new slacks from Chico's. Toothbrushes. Important mail.

Plastic Easter eggs filled with chocolate. Eighteen hard-boiled Easter eggs. Real ones. With the shells still on.

Halloween makeup. A BlackBerry (not the fruit kind). Pens. Pencils. Red crayons. Cubes of butter. Cubes of margarine. Yarn made from acrylic, as well as assorted natural fibers. Drywall. Plastic hangers. Plastic milk cartons. Rocks. Legos. The feet of a Barbie doll. The head of a Barbie doll. A Barbie doll.

(Alas, poor Barbie. We knew her well.)

One friend added that while she doesn't have a dog, she does have a cat. And her cat eats dental floss.

Which brings me to the telephone conversation my husband and I recently had ….

Husband: I'm at the grocery store now. I don't see our usual brand, but I do see a big bag of diet dog food. On sale!

Me: Buy it! Maybe if our dogs go on a diet, I'll be inspired to go on a diet, too!

Yes! I totally love it when dogs inspire me to go on diets! Merci beaucoups, dogs!

Anyway. My husband bought a 5,000-pound bag of diet dog food and dragged it home like the good hunter-gatherer he is. But guess what? Our. Dogs. Will. Not. Touch. It.

It's like those dogs of ours are on a good old-fashioned, civil disobedience-type hunger strike. They push their bargain diet food aside and tell us to let their people go.

Then they cough like Derek Zoolander and say, "I got the black lung, Pa." And after THAT they lie down, too weak to chew up a new pair of overpriced basketball shoes.

So, Universe, here's my question. IF dogs can (and do!) eat all of the things I've listed above, why in the world won't they eat their diet food?

Of which we have 5,000 pounds?

Universe, oh Universe. You have a sick sense of humor.

Very truly yours,

Ann Cannon

E-mail: acannon@desnews.com