If everyone were as bad on the road as the Utah Jazz, the world would be a different place ...

The Beatles flub Ed Sullivan and Shea Stadium — and are never heard from again.

The Mormon pioneers pull their hamstrings near a truck stop just outside of Winter Quarters and never make it any farther.

Alexander the Great is not so great. He's Alex the Small-Town Mayor and Local Bully.

The Allies and Coach Ike go down for an L in World War II, completely bungling the English Channel road swing.

The Americans are holding their own in World War I until the fourth quarter, when they commit a string of turnovers and suffer numerous injuries that lead to one defeat after another.

Barack Obama carries only Hawaii and Illinois — his home states — although he makes a late comeback attempt. Like the Jazz, he even loses in New York.

Willie Nelson changes the name of his hit song — "I Can't Wait to Get Off the Road Again."

The Jazz are clueless and lost on the road. They are road kill. Which is unfortunate because, thanks to their dreadful road performance during the regular season, they have clinched the last seed in the Western Conference playoffs.

This not only guarantees they will never have home-court advantage in the playoffs, but it gives them a first-round date with the mighty Lakers, who polished them off in the regular-season finale Tuesday night in Los Angeles.

The Jazz's road problem is nothing that can't be fixed — with months of therapy.

The Jazz home record: 33-8.

The Jazz road record: 15-26.

That's an 18-game discrepancy between home wins and road wins — the biggest in the league, by three games.

No one is asking for a winning record on the road — only seven of 30 NBA teams pulled off that feat this season, which says something about both the fragile psyche of athletes and how much of the game is mental. But is it too much to ask the Jazz to win, say, half of their road games?

The Jazz are tied for the fourth-best home record in the league. But they have the worst road record of any team with a winning overall record in the Western Conference.

Go figure — the Jazz can beat the Lakers at home, but not the woeful Wizards on the road.

The Jazz have lost road games to Golden State (29-52), Oklahoma City (22-59), New York (31-50), Milwaukee (34-47), Charlotte (35-46) and Washington (19-62).

They beat only one Western Conference playoff team on the road this season.

Nobody's done this much damage on the road since Keith Richards. It ruined the Jazz's season. Even just one or two more road wins would have moved them up a couple of places in the seeding for the playoffs.