Babies are pretty good parasites," my doctor laughed as he reassured me that my unborn baby would get the nutrients she needed despite me not being able to keep any food down.

He assured me throughout my pregnancy that the baby would even suck those nutrients out of my bones and teeth if necessary.

That little parasite analogy didn't seem so funny recently when I sat in the dentist chair to get my seventh post-baby cavity filled. As I lay there feeling my face go numb, I could only think one thing: "I want my body back."

Sure, when you get pregnant you expect to pack on a few pounds and get a few stretch marks. But what I didn't expect was all the random casualties, like my hair that started falling out and turned about two shades darker. Then there were the cavities, the wide hips and the fact that I now groan like an 80-year-old when I get out of the bed in the morning.

A friend of mine recently commented that I finally looked like I had gotten back to my "normal body."

Ha.

If only she could see the muffin top that just won't quit that often has me unbuttoning my pants at restaurants.

Oh believe me, I've gone back for seconds at Chuck-a-Rama's all-you-can-eat buffet with my zipper undone. I'm not proud of that fact.

Most of the "expert" pregnancy books say to be patient because it takes a while to get your body back. Well, the scale may say I'm back to pre-baby form, but I'm not sure I'll ever have MY body back again.

Take for example, these things that are supposed to pass for breasts.

I'll be the first to admit I've never been busty. I got the usual teenage taunts about wearing my bra inside out or having an allergy to milk. Man, kids can be mean.

So when I was nursing, I relished my new chest. I finally understood what all the fuss was about and realized how my sweaters are actually supposed to look.

But now, alas, I stopped nursing almost a year ago, and in a cruel twist, my post-nursing breasts are not only smaller than before, but also lacking in perkiness — the one thing that made my 12-year-old boy physique almost bearable.

Shortly after I stopped nursing, I spent an hour at Victoria's Secret. I tried different cup sizes and fabrics, more underwire and no underwire. I went from a little padding to enough foam that I could probably stick a 6-inch nail in my chest and not even feel it.

I don't know why I would do this, but in case I ever have to, I'm ready.