Being a good mom is not about spending time with your child or bonding with your little ones.

Since joining the ranks of mothers, I've learned that earning the label of "good mom" actually has more to do with buying the right products and making sure all the other moms see that you have them.

It has to be true — why else would these baby product companies spend millions of dollars on advertising targeted to moms? Clearly, they want to see us all succeed and be good moms by using their products.

So, to further that noble effort, here are some of the top products that any mom worth her stretch marks should own. They are 100 percent guaranteed to make you a "good mom." (Please note that if you don't buy these products, you are automatically a bad mom and should never show your face in Babies 'R Us again. Seriously.)

1. "Little Einstein" videos — Everybody knows the only reason Mozart was a musical genius was because his mother forced him to watch "Little Einstein" Mozart videos. If you do not own at least five "Little Einstein" videos or CDs, your child's brain may be deteriorating while you read this column.

Knock-off brands simply won't cut it, either. It has to be "Little Einstein" because it has the word Einstein in it. How could you go wrong? Tip: Make sure that your child watches at least two videos a day rather than interacting with other human beings.

2. The child leash — The perfect product for moms on the go. Gone are the days of actually having to hold your child's hand or teach them to obey.

The child leash does it all for you! You don't even have to look at your child if you don't want to because the slight tug on the leash will reassure you that yes, your child is still there (or at least something that weighs about the same as your child.)

What's more, the child leash is a great way to send the subtle message to your child that, "I trust you absolutely not at all." Other moms will be green with envy as they see your child at your heels without ever having to think for himself. (Not included with leash: guidance on how to deal with a teenager who is unable to make decisions on his own.)

3. Germ repellants/covers — If you shop like a "good mom," your child should literally never touch anything before the age of 2. Table liners, covers for grocery carts, shades for car seats and germ guards for high chairs will remove any risk that your child will be exposed to viruses, germs or real life.

Well, that is until your child accidentally encounters a rogue germ and has zero antibodies to fight it off. Luckily, you will have wisely invested in about 30 gallons of hand sanitizer, which you should wear in a quick-draw holster on your hip.