Gray Area: Not the last one standing

A friendly, direct and insightful woman, Ruth made friends with "two very fine women" when she moved into Sunrise independent living in Sandy. But almost immediately, the women died, "and I was suddenly left without anybody again." Last summer, to help provide the intellectual friendship Ruth enjoys, Judy — who works all day — hired a senior companion. Don Harjo, of Caregivers Plus, visits Ruth three afternoons a week. They eat together in the dining room, then go back upstairs to chat about art and politics. Ruth's eyesight is dimming, so Don reads to her from the Jerusalem Post and her favorite magazines.

Ruth says she was wary at first. "I didn't want to be treated like a patient or be patronized. I didn't need a nanny." But over the past five months, she says, they have become friends.

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A widow can have 61 progeny and still sometimes be lonely; may still long to feel needed by a spouse, may still find, at 79, that when a certain man leaves a message on her answering machine she can't wait to call him back.

"Do you know what the word 'twitterpated' means?" asks Mary Matheson, who is getting married next month.

"I look forward to taking care of him, to doing his wash and cooking for him," says Mary about Jerry Hayes, who is 80. It's as thrilling as the first time around, she says, but there's the added appreciation, at this stage, that life is finite and that each moment should be enjoyed. "It's a mature love," says Jerry. "It's sweet and tender and spiritual." Mary and Jerry, both widowed, had known each other for decades before falling in love this past year, and both had good marriages, a total of 113 years of happiness, says Jerry. "You take what you've gained from your first marriage," he explains, and bring it to this new union later in life.

You also bring two houses full of furniture. Early one morning not long ago, Jerry got a phone call from Mary, who was sobbing. "I can't leave my home," she said. "This is where my family grew up."

"I thought, 'Love is more important than brick and mortar,"' Jerry recalls. On the other hand, Jerry loves his house, with its brand new deck. So they'll keep both houses, living in Mary's and using Jerry's as a "retreat."

Bernie Myers, 91, and his new wife, Vyrl, 88, are also trying to sort out the his and hers of real estate and belongings as they navigate the first few months of marriage. Vyrl met Bernie last summer at one of the 10 a.m. dances at the Tenth East Senior Center. "She's the right age and the right size," says Bernie, who reports that he used to be 5-foot-4 but has shrunk some.