There aren't many certainties in life, but here are three: Sooner or later, every accordion player learns to play "Lady of Spain," sooner or later ever bagpiper is asked to play "Amazing Grace," and sooner or later every Christian writer takes a run at explaining the life and mission of Jesus.

I have half a dozen such books in my library. There's Bishop Fulton J. Sheen's "Life of Christ," Malcolm Muggeridge and his book, "Jesus" and "The Gospel According to Jesus" by Stephen Mitchell.

Even Norman Mailer, who is Jewish, penned a book called "The Gospel According to the Son."

And one thing I've learned in reading such books is whatever they tell us about Jesus, they tell us much more about the lives and longings, fears and foibles of the authors who write them.

It's almost as if Jesus were an enormous block of stone — a literal rock — and each author who writes about him tries to chip and chisel the image of Jesus in the rock but ends up simply giving us a bust of himself.

I mention all this because just in time for Christmas (actually, just in time for Thanksgiving), the guru to the stars, Deepak Chopra, has published a little novel that details the "lost years" of Jesus — all those days between his 12th birthday and the beginning of his ministry at age 30. It's called "Jesus: A Story of Enlightenment," and it's an ambitious little work. Chopra plays out entire scenes in what he imagines to be the early years of the Man from Galilee. Extended conversations are recorded, as are "near death" experiences.

It's not a novel for everyone. But it is a novel for anyone who wants to have their brain cells jostled around.

The book begins with Jesus falling from a horse and almost freezing to death in the snow. (He's kept alive by going into a prayerful position and slowing down his breathing until he's basically hibernating.)

The book ends with Jesus leaving his body on the cross and sending his spirit into the world to show people the way.

And in between are stories, parables and one-line words of wisdom for all of us.

When he and his brother James visit a "show" of sorts and James reaches out for a sword Jesus cautions: "If you touch it now, you can never untouch it."

As the storm clouds gather about his life, Jesus declares, "There is only one alternative to serving God out of fear. Serve him out of love."

He also scolds, "An idol can be worshiped on a shelf. It makes no trouble. It never has doubts, so you can trap God in the cage of your own fantasies. What could be better?"

I finished the novel in pretty much one sitting. It's not tough sledding by any means. And as I closed the book, I tried to think who this Jesus I'd just met was like.

It wasn't a hard question to answer. In style, word and deed, the Jesus of the novel was a dead ringer for the author himself, Deepak Chopra.

E-mail: jerjohn@desnews.com