Recently, I received an e-mail from a mother who wrote:

"I just came in from picking up my son and having a huge shouting match about his misplaced homework being my fault, all this while driving. I flipped out and he flipped out, so now he's grounded for a week, and of course he doesn't care.

"I left him in the car for a few hours to write a paper on why he should respect his mom and how this whole thing could have been avoided. I came back to my desk at work crying, thinking, 'This is just the beginning. What am I to do for the next six teenage years?"'

Your first thought may lend itself to, "Lock him in said car, sans tires, until he is 21."

The great news is that there is a way to respond to this young man, and it doesn't involve the use of duct tape. If you have a communication problem with a teenager, or husband, or co-worker, I invite you to consider using validation and repair attempts.

Validation is understanding the other person's view, which may seem totally irrelevant or completely out there, but regardless, it's this person's view.

In this situation, and to get somewhere in any communication, it's vital to validate that he does indeed feel the way he does, and that you acknowledge it. Saying something such as, "I can see how you feel that way, that I'm just spending most of my time picking on you" is helpful, and is often true.

When you step back and see things from a teenager's perspective (aka The Dark Side), you really can see that you seem to pick on him. The fact that it's completely justified and from his particular continuous set of frustrating and banal choices is not important to add at this juncture.

Once you've established some kind of common ground (i.e. Mom is a grump), you will now have his attention and a softened heart.

Astoundingly, these two responses result in higher retention and improved hearing capacities.

You are ready to sweetly move into the "And can we look at it from another angle ..." portion. Share BRIEFLY how it might feel as a mother, handling four to 20 people's schedules, feeding, clothing, cleaning, reminding and trying to do all this without addiction levels of chocolate or sugary substances. After this interlude, he may consider for a moment that you actually do something during the day.

This will open the doors to a mutually productive conversation.

If, however, the conversation continues to get heated, consider using a repair attempt.