'Expressing displeasure' not enough when children lie

When my youngest, Olivia, was 4, I was gone for a several days for work. Wonderful "aunt" Paula, a dear friend of my mother's and known to my kids to be a loving pushover, came to stay with the children. After the older kids had all left for school one morning, Olivia excitedly informed aunt Paula that that very day was her birthday. Naturally, Paula flew into action. First it was a trip to Toys-R-Us to pick out several gifts for Olivia. Then it was off to the grocery store for goodies and cupcakes and other birthday treats. And on it went throughout the day, with Olivia loving every minute of it, and Paula doing all that a doting grandma might do to make the birthday girl feel special.

Only, that was in September — and Olivia had celebrated her fourth birthday the previous June.

I thought of this (and other) family stories when I read in the new issue of Parenting Magazine (November): "Why Kids Lie: Age by Age: Honest Advice for Dealing with Your Child's Lies" by Juliette Guilbert. I agree with Guilbert that sometimes the "lies" of very young ones — "my dad sailed across the ocean and fought monsters the whole way!" — are fantasies more than anything else.

But Guilbert essentially excuses the lies of older children and tweens. So, for instance, "an occasional lie in the tween years. ... is not unusual. The best response is usually to 'simply express your displeasure."' (Chronic lying could be a sign the child is under stress, and the child may "need professional assistance.")

Hmm, is "expressing our displeasure" over our children's lies effective? The most recent Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth, from the Josephson Institute of Los Angeles (2006), showed that of 36,000 high school students surveyed, more than a quarter admitted stealing from a store, and almost as many admitted stealing from a relative, in the previous year; 82 percent said they "lied to a parent about something significant" and 60 percent admitted to cheating on a test in school during the previous year.

But our kids sure feel good about their ethics! Ninety-two percent said they were "satisfied with my own ethics and character." Michael Josephson, head of the institute, laments that among America's youth high rates of dishonesty "have become the norm."

So, as a culture do we just collectively "express our displeasure" over all this? Get the kids some "professional assistance?"

There may be all sorts of "reasons" why children lie, beyond just getting what they want in the moment, and it may make sense to search out those reasons in any particular instance. But in the main, children lie because "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child" says Proverbs.