"There ought to be a way for us to allow competition in the marketplace of ideas without giving up civil discourse and respect," West said. "We tend to look at all opinions as right or wrong, rather than looking at the gradations within them."

The days of respectfully disagreeing are gone. "Now it seems these are all battles to the death," he said. "I think it's a tragic condition we find ourselves in." Forni contends the decline of good manners began with the counterculture movement in the 1960s when the old ethic of self-discipline gave way to a new ethic of self-esteem and self-expression.

A lot of good came from questioning authority. People needed to express themselves.

"But in the last 40 years, as we were making strides toward a more just society, we were also becoming more and more self-absorbed," he said.

Society has succeeded at instilling self-esteem in children but not self-restraint, Forni said.

Good manners, he says, are about the most democratic thing there is because we're supposed to treat everyone the same regardless of status or position.

West calls the "me generation" passe but says we're in "an era of what's good for me, rather than focusing on what I can do to help other people."

Rather than look outwardly, people look inwardly, he said. They become fixed on an outcome with no regard for how it's achieved. They take the path of least resistance.

"When we think about what can I do to contribute to the life of someone else, all of a sudden civility makes sense," he said.

"Imagine what a different world we'd have if kids learned these skills at home and came to school really prepared to become civil learners."

Children behaving aggressively and bullying made Forni's list of 10 rudest behaviors. Behavior problems in schools are well documented.

Schools at all levels fail to help students become good people, West said. "I don't find much evidence we are actually teaching civil behavior. We aren't teaching social skills."

Some teachers and administrators believe schools need help with student behavior problems. But what students need, according to West, is help with school and family problems.

"Students need teachers who are more inclined to whisper than they are to criticize, and more inclined to teach and support than they are to punish and exclude," according to West's colleague Matthew Taylor.

Getting tough on children behaving badly is simply another example of being uncivil, West said.

The center's four-year study of a local Utah school district found schools excelled socially and academically if four factors existed: the presence of a trusted adult; clarity in expectations; emphasis on building academic, social and self-management skills; and rewards and recognition.