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Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb: If only the Pioneers had brought Twitter with them

Published: Sunday, July 24 2011 12:00 a.m. MDT

Jim.matheson@bluedog.com: I get to throw the first pitch. You know, I can throw left handed and right handed.

Gary.herbert@lucky.com: I can help organize the town and area. We are recognized for being great managers, after all.

Karen.morgan@lastdemocratinsandy.com: Ha! Whatever Herbert does, I can do better.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: So that commerce may thrive in the Land of Deseret, we must establish a bank … how about Zions Bank?

Mike.lee@wannabeasupreme.com: A bank? That means borrowing! We can have no borrowing in Zion. It leads to horrendous evils, such as debt-limit increases.

Thomas.wright@GOPpoliticaladulthood.com: Brother Brigham, help! Brothers Huntsman and Romney are wrestling in the mud and the congregation is picking sides. They are even wagering on the outcome.

Jim.dabakis@whowouldhavepredicted.com: I sense a business opportunity. Where can I construct the Diet Coke stand?

Michael.waddoups@almostoutofhere.com: Just no liquor stores.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: This is a time for celebration and a prayer of thanks.

Chris.herrod@crackillegalsskulls.com: But we're in Mexican territory with no documentation. I'll set up a printing press to create fake IDs with stolen Social Security numbers.

Steve.urquhart@don'teducateillegals.com: I just hope the Mexicans let us have buggy driving privileges, our children get in-state tuition, and our babies have citizenship.

Stephen.sandstrom@closetheborders.com: Let's just say we're all legal, but everyone who comes in after us are illegal aliens.

Curt.bramble@wrestlemania.com: Not so fast! We are all the Lord's children. Besides, who will pick the crops and clean our homes?

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: Brother Bramble is right. We need to live in peace with each other.

Jana.tobias@cuddlewithguns.com: Well, whatever we do together better be subject to GRAMA or else!

David.kirkham@teapartyrules.com: I expect everyone to sign their pledges — no matter how much they contradict each other.

David.litvack@niceguy.com: Can we have a pledge for diversity?

Ross.romero@nicebutnotasniceaslitvack.com: Yeah. Diversity also includes political differences. We better see some stuff for Democrats.

Ken.ivory@downwiththefeds.com: Our first political priority must be to become a state so I can defend states' rights!

Obnoxious.pointless@deseretnews.com: Frank and LaVarr here. Brother Brigham, who cares about politics! We just want to say thanks for another summer holiday.

Brother.brigham@lionhouse.com: This is almost enough to drive a teetotaler to defy the Word of Wisdom. However, we'll be enacting some liquor laws to keep us all on the straight and narrow.

Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and Deseret News managing editor. Email: lwebb@exoro.com. Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a state tax commissioner. Email: frankp@xmission.com.

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