Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb: If only the Pioneers had brought Twitter with them

Published: Sunday, July 24 2011 12:00 a.m. MDT I get to throw the first pitch. You know, I can throw left handed and right handed. I can help organize the town and area. We are recognized for being great managers, after all. Ha! Whatever Herbert does, I can do better. So that commerce may thrive in the Land of Deseret, we must establish a bank … how about Zions Bank? A bank? That means borrowing! We can have no borrowing in Zion. It leads to horrendous evils, such as debt-limit increases. Brother Brigham, help! Brothers Huntsman and Romney are wrestling in the mud and the congregation is picking sides. They are even wagering on the outcome. I sense a business opportunity. Where can I construct the Diet Coke stand? Just no liquor stores. This is a time for celebration and a prayer of thanks. But we're in Mexican territory with no documentation. I'll set up a printing press to create fake IDs with stolen Social Security numbers.

Steve.urquhart@don' I just hope the Mexicans let us have buggy driving privileges, our children get in-state tuition, and our babies have citizenship. Let's just say we're all legal, but everyone who comes in after us are illegal aliens. Not so fast! We are all the Lord's children. Besides, who will pick the crops and clean our homes? Brother Bramble is right. We need to live in peace with each other. Well, whatever we do together better be subject to GRAMA or else! I expect everyone to sign their pledges — no matter how much they contradict each other. Can we have a pledge for diversity? Yeah. Diversity also includes political differences. We better see some stuff for Democrats. Our first political priority must be to become a state so I can defend states' rights! Frank and LaVarr here. Brother Brigham, who cares about politics! We just want to say thanks for another summer holiday. This is almost enough to drive a teetotaler to defy the Word of Wisdom. However, we'll be enacting some liquor laws to keep us all on the straight and narrow.

Republican LaVarr Webb is a political consultant and lobbyist. Previously he was policy deputy to Gov. Mike Leavitt and Deseret News managing editor. Email: Democrat Frank Pignanelli is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser. Pignanelli served 10 years in the Utah House of Representatives, six years as minority leader. His spouse, D'Arcy Dixon Pignanelli, is a state tax commissioner. Email:

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