Mister Know-It-All — a.k.a. the fabulous Mr. K — is back in our studio, as grumpy and curmudgeonly as ever. He's ready to take your sports questions. What's on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement.
QUESTION: What will LeBron James do if there is no NBA season?
MISTER K: He will make The Decision — to take his talents to writing a book called, "How to Ruin a Legacy Overnight," with a foreword by Brett Favre, an afterword by Tiger Woods and a preface co-written by Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Roger Clemens.
QUESTION: What was your reaction when Steelers linebacker James Harrison called NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, among other things, "a crook," "a devil," "stupid," "puppet" and "dictator."
MISTER K: A puppet AND a dictator? Memo to Harrison: Make up your mind. Or was he talking about Bud Selig?
QUESTION: The head of cycling's governing body said this week that a positive drug test or two at the Tour de France wouldn't necessarily be "a bad thing" because it would indicate that the drug tests are working. Is it just me, or is that crazy?
MISTER K: If International Cycling Union president Pat McQuaid were a surgeon he would say, "I hope some of my patients get sick so I can see if this medicine works." Consider it a sign of the times for cycling; McQuaid will probably get his wish.
QUESTION: What Top 20 college football programs are being investigated by the NCAA? I'm having trouble keeping track of them all.
MISTER K: A better question would be what Top 20 programs aren't under investigation. Let's see, there's Ohio State, North Carolina, Tennessee (Lane Kiffin: The Gift that keeps on giving), Georgia Tech, Georgia, Oregon, South Carolina, Florida, Alabama, West Virginia, Auburn and Boise State. Looks like the NCAA will need to open a branch office in the Deep South. Take the annual list of the Top 20 teams in the nation, cut it in half and you get a pretty good idea of the situation. More are sure to follow.
QUESTION: Speaking of college football, the BCS distributed $142.5 million of revenue from its five bowl games, with $115.2M (81 percent) going to the BCS conferences and the remaining $24M going to the five coalition conferences. I'm no math major, but that doesn't sound fair, does it?
MISTER K: Only if you buy the reasoning of Bill Hancock, the BCS Executive Director and Chief Dispenser of Crapola. Mr. Bill said that the six BCS conferences account for eight of the 10 teams in the BCS bowls; therefore, those conferences deserve the big payout. It's pure genius. First they create this cockamamie system that makes it almost impossible for schools from the coalition conferences to get into a BCS bowl, then they use their absence in those bowls to justify the inequity in the payouts. Brilliant.
"It's a fair and appropriate distribution of the revenue," Hancock concluded.
Whatever helps you sleep at night, Mr. Bill.
QUESTION: What do you think of all these former coaches going to the broadcast booth?
MISTER K: Does anyone appreciate the irony of having, among others, Urban Meyer, Bobby Knight and John Thompson (and formerly Rick Majerus) join the media after they were so condescending, disrespectful and curt with members of that profession during their coaching careers? Who's next, Nolan Richardson? Personally, I'm hoping Meyer will be on the other end of things when a coach tells him, "You're a bad guy, man. You're a bad guy."
QUESTION: Is Ron Artest, the hot-tempered Laker, really changing his name to Metta World Peace?
MISTER K: Yes, and Rulon Gardner is going to change his name to Lithe Ripped Pecs.
QUESTION: What gives with baseball's no-shows at the All-Star Game?
MISTER K: The following players all turned down invitations to play in the game — Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Justin Verlander, Alex Rodriguez, Felix Hernandez, CC Sabathia, Ryan Braun, Matt Cain, Chipper Jones and Jose Reyes. In that respect they're like the rest of us — they're just not interested and they'd rather be doing something else. It was like throwing a party for A-list celebs and having Kathy Griffin and Randy Quaid show up.
QUESTION: Do you agree with Sports Illustrated that the U.S. performance in the World Cup is vindication for Title IX?
MISTER K: Tell that to the thousands of male athletes who can't participate in college sports because of Title IX, even if it's just as a walk-on. Congratulations, they created opportunities for one group by denying opportunity for another group. This is progress?
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