Common ground on religious quirks

The other day I found a little book that made me laugh out loud. It's by Jonathan Acuff and is called "Stuff Christians Like" (Zondervan Publishers).

It made me laugh because I saw myself on almost every page.

Religions have a knack for finding common ground when it comes to worthwhile causes — as when disaster strikes and people are suffering. But they also find common ground on lesser things as well — things like silly biases, funny habits and petty attitudes.

That's where Acuff's book scores a bull's-eye.

In place of the word "Christian" in the following examples, substitute "Catholic," "Mormon," "Mennonite" or most any other Judeo-Christian tradition.

I think you'll find, as I did, that the insights about human nature are universal:

 Christians like saying "I'll pray for you," then forgetting to do it.

Writes Acuff: "I have about a 17 percent success rate when it comes to actually following through … but that reflects a 10 year average that includes 2000-2005 when I was batting about .000."

 Christians like feeling slightly disappointed when someone accepts our fake offer of generosity.

Acuff: "I say, 'Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you,' and then you say 'I'll let you know. Thank you so much for your generosity.' Then we go our separate ways and I get to enjoy about 67 percent of what it would feel like if I actually helped you."

 Christians like feeding kids their body weight in Goldfish Crackers.

Acuff: "Years from now, when my kids are older, they'll probably think of Jesus whenever they even smell a Goldfish Cracker."

 Christians like temporarily suspending our faith when we get behind the wheel.

Acuff: "Sunday is now one of the most dangerous times to be on the road."

 Christians like completely disregarding all known copyright laws.

Acuff: "I use the less French-sounding phrase, 'I ripped off that idea for Jesus.' "

 Christians like wondering whether the Old Testament still counts.

Acuff: "Every now and then I'll quote something from the Old Testament and a friend will go, 'Yeah, but that's the Old Testament. That's old covenant. Jesus changed all that.' "

 Finally, here's a bonus cut that I'll reproduce in more detail. This one is called: Christians like being slightly less nice than Mormons.

Says Acuff: "Have you ever met a Mormon who was a jerk? I haven't. Every Mormon I've ever met has been nice, friendly and well-dressed. But I know they have them. Surely someone in Utah is a jerk. But for my money, Mormons are slightly nicer than Christians. And here's why: Sometimes when jerks become Christians, it's like a bully learning karate. Instead of having Christ transform our hearts and attitudes, we now have a new method with which to beat you up."

e-mail: jerjohn@desnews.com