Disastrous outing winds up as a picture-perfect day

Children have an uncanny ability to sense when it is picture day. They also have an ability to then do everything in their power to make mom jump through ridiculous hoops in the hopes of taking just one picture where the baby isn't screaming and the toddler isn't cross-eyed.

Every time I take my children to a portrait studio, I gear up for battle.

I pick the outfits well in advance and then hide them so they won't be covered in glitter and macaroni. On the day of the photo shoot, I wrestle my daughter to the ground and brush out the three-foot tangle that has inexplicably taken hold on the back of her hair.

Then I stand behind the photographer and make ridiculous faces in an attempt to get my daughter to look at the camera and smile – simultaneously.

Apparently, this is not a skill most children have because of about 50 shots, I usually get one where both smile and eye contact is achieved.

But of all my experience with professional and at-home photo shoots, I recently found myself in the worst picture day of my life.

By the end of this fateful day a month ago, I was soaking in someone else's urine while sitting in a toddler's car seat.

Let me explain.

I began this particular picture day knowing it would be tough. I had my 3-year-old daughter — a decorated veteran of picture day battles. But this time, I also had a one-month old baby. Yes, I was foolish enough to think I could get a baby and a toddler to both look like human beings long enough to take a decent photo. So naive.

The photo shoot started out OK. Baby was in a good mood. Toddler was not yet clawing the bow out of her hair.

Then, during the naked baby portion of the shoot, my newborn urinated allover the velvet backdrop.

The casual way the photographer dismissed this act by saying, "Oh well. It happens," made me wonder whose bodily fluids my baby might be sitting in at the moment.

Then, thinking my daughter had gotten it out of her system, I picked her up and posed for a few shots. As I smiled into the camera, I felt a warm sensation in my lap. It spread down my leg. It puddled in my shoe.

Yes, my baby had urinated once again. I continued to smile because hey, I was going to get a good photo out of this. A little urine was not going to stand in my way.

After several more attempts at getting a 3-year-old to gently kiss a newborn baby, which is akin to asking King Kong to gently place the nice lady on the Empire State Building, we were done.