Porn creates devastating emotions in most women

For women who learn their husbands have a pornography problem, emotions come rushing in, sometimes out of the blue and other times as an explanation for behavior that was never adequately explained. They report feeling:

Betrayal of marriage vows to "forsake all others"

Confusion over how video images and pictures became more important than marriage, family, church or career

Anger at the lies, the secrecy and the emotional abandonment that is minimized or unacknowledged

Fear of who will find out

Isolation in not knowing where to turn

Hopelessness that the marriage can ever be salvaged

Many have seen signs or had a hunch that something was amiss in their marriage, but they didn't put the pieces together. Their husbands often withdraw, become reclusive, spend money that's unaccounted for and — most of all — they have secrets.

The secrets are about where they go, how they spend their time, why they stay so late or go so early to work, why they have to have wireless Internet access wherever they go.

After being discovered, some men ask their wives to keep their secret to give them a second chance because it "will never happen again." And invariably it does. Others ask their wives to "cut them some slack." Trust is further breached as pain continues to be inflicted. "I found out, and he still does it," recalled one woman after she had confronted her husband and he promised it would end.

Research shows the majority of people grappling with Internet porn are married heterosexual men with an average age of 38, according to Jill Manning, a researcher and author who has examined the impact of pornography on marital relationships. "The majority of spouses impacted by this problem are women," she said.

While infidelity in some other societies is more widely accepted, "women in North America are raised to expect exclusivity in a (marriage) relationship." When they find their husband has a porn problem, "suddenly there are hundreds or thousands of women in the bedroom." Many find themselves wondering whether to stay with the marriage or cut their losses and leave.

The problem is different from discovering hidden drug addiction or gambling. "It cuts to her very center," Manning said. In her mind, "It's an attack and commentary on her as a wife."