Answering questions about porn addiction

Following is a list of questions asked frequently by women whose husbands have a compulsive pornography problem.

Dorothy Maryon is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in sexual addiction and partners' issues associated with sexual addiction in marriage. She is in private practice and works with the LifeSTAR program.

Q. I didn't know that my husband was a sex addict. Is something wrong with me?

A. Nothing is wrong with you. The majority of women who seek treatment after learning of their husband's addiction did not know that their partners were struggling with a sexual addiction. However, many women report that they felt that something was not "quite right" in the relationship. Addiction thrives in secrecy. Many men with this problem have become experts at hiding it from their spouses.

Q. Why would my husband hide this from me?

A. Most men hide their sexual addiction from their wives out of embarrassment, deep shame and fear that disclosure will lead to divorce and the loss of the family. They can become so deeply entrenched in feelings of despair and self-loathing that they are unable to imagine disclosing their addictive secret to their partner. They get caught in the addictive trap of believing that it is something that they must resolve on their own.

Q. My partner has lied to me in the past about his sexual addiction. How will I ever know if he is telling the truth?

A. You may not be able to tell. But if your husband seeks support and counseling you can be confident that he is being held accountable, supported and encouraged to tell the truth. Over time, many women report that they are able to trust again, due to the openness and transparency that their husbands have learned in recovery.

Q. Is this somehow my fault?

A. This question is evidence of one of the most damaging consequences of addiction for the partner. Many women fear that they were somehow not "enough" in the marriage and consequently their husbands turned to porn and sexual addiction. Unfortunately, some men reinforce this fear in a misguided effort to place the blame on their wife instead of accepting the responsibility for their own behavior. The majority of sexual addicts had problems with sexual compulsivity before they were married. As the partner of an addict, you are not responsible for the sexual addiction. It is not your fault.

Whom should I tell?

A. Choosing to share that your partner has a sexual addiction is a personal decision and will vary according to your individual circumstances. It is recommended that you join a 12-step or a "Partners of Sex Addicts" therapy group where you can freely share and receive support. Where possible, share with a trusted spiritual leader or clergy. If you choose to share with family and/or friends, choose those whom you can trust to be understanding and supportive of you and your partner. It is important to share only with those individuals who are mature enough to allow you the time to make decisions that you feel are best for you and your family without giving unsolicited advice and asserting undue pressure.

Q. Should we tell our children?

A. Generally speaking, no — at least not at first. If possible, it is best to give yourselves some time to sort through and try to manage the trauma that the disclosure has caused you and your spouse without bringing children into the situation. Later, as you and your partner become more stable, you can counsel with a therapist or clergy about telling the children, guided by what is in the best interest of the children and their ages.

Q. Is there recovery from sexual addiction?