College football: Cougars could get sacked by two-headed QB system

Bronco Mendenhall says he and his BYU coaches and players are excited about the challenge of having a two-quarterback system this season. They're excited about the possibilities and about remaking the offense to accommodate it. They're just excited.

"Everyone is excited because they really like both quarterbacks," the coach told KSL's Voice of the Cougars, Greg Wrubell, earlier this week.

Right, and we're excited about having a giant case of the flu. It's a new challenge. If we're lucky, maybe we'll all get a good paper cut, too.

Is Bronco kidding? Donald Rumsfeld couldn't have sugarcoated it any better. If you don't speak doublespeak, here is the rough translation of what the coach was saying: Work with us here; we're still trying to make a decision.

"It's kind of invigorating having a different organizational challenge," Mendenhall continued. "Our offensive staff has a new challenge."

This is like hearing Capt. Smith of the Titanic say, "This is going to be fun trying to dodge icebergs in the North Atlantic in the middle of the night. Our navigators are enjoying the challenge of trying not to hit one."

Mendenhall continued: "How do we design a lot of what we've been doing that has been successful and keep that part, preserving the core yet stimulating progress for each quarterback in addition, and have the time to practice it all? Or reduce it enough to where you can practice enough? (BYU offensive coaches) like that challenge, and ultimately it will make us better."

Sheesh, if two quarterbacks are this fun, why not three? Or four? One per quarter? Is James Lark available? Move over, Riley Nelson and Jake Heaps.

Imagine BP executives saying, "We are very excited about the challenge of plugging the leak and cleaning up the mess we made. Things were just going too smoothly while we were making all that money."

We're supposed to believe that coaches are happy about a two-headed quarterback monster? About having to revamp the offense? About deciding when one player sits and the other plays and when to change again? About all the second-guessing that's sure to follow? About how to handle the quarterbacks' feelings and how to keep them happy? About how to prevent teammates from taking sides?

This is high on the list of football coaching commandments: Thou shalt not split time between two quarterbacks. It's like marriage: You can only pick one.