When words become weapons

By now, you've probably listened to the recordings that allegedly have Mel Gibson spewing tirades against former girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Some have called it verbal abuse. According to Joan Gold, a Berkeley, Calif., marriage and family therapist, Gibson used his violent and often racist words like weapons, with an intent to do harm.

To better understand, we asked Gold about the impact words can have.

Question: How do you define verbal abuse? Is it the same as emotional abuse?

Answer: Verbal and emotional abuse undermine self-esteem and there are many ways they overlap. I think of emotional abuse as more subtle. It is really about an abuse of power that shows up in things like devaluing, undermining and coercive behaviors.

Verbal abuse is more direct — it's about using words to control, debase and ultimately destroy the inner world of another human being. This is usually an unconscious process. People abuse who were abused. It's a learned behavior.

Question: Some people grow up with put downs and say it doesn't bother them.

Answer: People who grow up in this kind of poisonous stew may have consciously "adapted" but frequent put-downs can have long lasting effects.

I talk to people every day whose sense of themselves and their ability to function in the world has been severely undermined. Smart women who grow up believing they're stupid. Men and women of all backgrounds who feel doomed to fail, who lack energy, purpose or joy.

Question: What do you say to folks who claim it is not as serious or hurtful as physical abuse?

Answer: Actually, it can be even more serious. Physical abuse can be named and defended against. You can get a restraining order. Ugly, hate-filled words from people who purport to love us are insidious. They worm themselves into our delicate consciousness and live there forever, making our choices for us and cutting short our dreams.

Question: What about the idea of the victim provoking their abuser, like naysayers have claimed that about Oksana Grigorieva?

Answer: There is no justification for abuse. "I was provoked" is a common defense. But it's like using a sledgehammer to hang a picture. It is not necessary to deliberately destroy a person's sense of self in order to let them know you are angry.