Divorced parents should only be in kids' lives if children will be safe near them

Life is often complicated when it comes to families and personal relationships.

No one really knows what really happens inside a marriage — including the husband or wife at times. Anger and unhappiness can cause them to lose perspective.

So, when a divorce occurs and there is discord, the courts must get involved.

And when that happens, as the legal system tries to sort out what the couple should be doing on their own, it can get pretty sticky and sometimes ugly.

People with personality disorders, those who fear loss of alimony or other assets and individuals who want to "save face" can put on such a show that even Solomon of old might have been tricked.

In 2008, I wrote an column headlined "Father's involvement essential to child's development." With good intentions, I said: "We need to convince divorced fathers that, even though it is more difficult, they are so very important in their children's lives and must make those extra efforts to meet those children's needs."

My mailbox was filled with responses from irate divorced dads, disenfranchised grandparents and a few child advocates.

There was pain and longing in these e-mails from dads who felt their former spouses were not playing fair or were putting their children in dangerous situations. Their kids were growing up thinking their dads didn't care.

What should have been written was "divorced father's and MOTHER'S involvement essential" and also that "they BOTH are so very important in their children's lives."

That is true of both the husband and wife, but only if their life choices and intentions are right. There are some parents who should not be allowed to be in a child's life for the child's very safety.

The recent case of 4-year-old Ethan Stacy was horrific. Police say Ethan was beaten to death by his stepfather and then died from his injuries, without any intervening help from his mother. A Florida judge had allowed the child to come to Utah for summer over the objections of the biological father who had primary custody. This case illustrates what can happen when a parent receives custodial rights but likely shouldn't have them. It spotlights the parenting problems of a divorced mother.

Two years ago I responded to those poignant e-mails, saying I would try to show the other side of the story. Unfortunately, little Ethan's case does that in a horrible way.