How to respond to kids' comments about possible sexual abuse

DAYTON, Ohio — Deciphering the language of young children is challenging, particularly when it comes to sexual issues.

Young kids make comments about their privates that may either be totally normal or suggestive of sexual abuse. How can we tell The difference?

Questions regarding possible sexual abuse are among the most frequent queries I receive. This issue is a real dilemma for parents.

The facts are well documented by 30 years of research. About 8-10 percent of boys and 12-25 percent of girls will be sexually molested during their childhood.

The scary part for parents is that the abuse is rarely done by strangers, but most often by people known and trusted by our children. And the abusers are not only adults, but sometimes older children.

We need to spend less time warning our kids about the stranger in the park, and instead talk with them about babysitters, coaches and even family members.

Here's how to respond to a young child who makes comments about possible sexual activities.

1. Be casual. Young kids will be scared if you get upset or act in ways that appear as if you're angry with them. Your initial response will determine whether your child will talk or be quiet.

2. Ask open-ended questions. Ask your child to "tell me more"; "what happened then?"; "where did this happen?"; or "what did you do then?"

3. Avoid leading questions. Young children are easy to influence, and say what they think you want to hear.

4. Reassure. Sexual abuse can only continue in an environment of secrecy. Even if it is unclear what may have occurred, reassure your child that he did nothing wrong and praise him for talking with you.

5. Believe your child. It is rare for young children to lie about sexual abuse.

6. Distinguish between normal and abnormal behavior. Not all sexual activity among young children is sexual abuse, as some behaviors are simply normal sexual exploration.

Here is how to tell the difference: the use of force or threat of force, manipulation of one child by another, significant age difference between your child and the other person (generally about 5 years), and sexual behavior that is atypical for young children, such as oral-genital or penile-anal behavior.

7. Seek help. If you have any concerns, questions or doubts, err on the side of being cautious. Contact your family doctor or your local child protection agency immediately.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children's Medical Center of Dayton- Ohio. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey. This article appeared in the Dayton Daily News. For Use By Clients of the ew York Times News Service