Bullying starts a vicious cycle

My friend, who recently became a U.S. citizen, is originally from the Ukraine.

She's beautiful, smiles incessantly, is smart (holds two master's degrees from universities in her country), still speaks with a slight accent and is very well-liked.

She called me recently to share her problems at work.

"I can't take it anymore," she said, crying. "I want to leave … ASAP, but I can't."

My friend can't leave this job — not until she finds another one anyway — because it is her sole source of income. "I am already ready to be unemployed … I don't want to take this anymore," she said, sobbing.

I first met my friend when I hired her as my assistant for an English as a second language (ESL) class I was teaching years ago.

She was perfect for the position. She did an amazing job, and the students loved her. I was grateful to her for the aid that she gave me and the class. And even though she was still improving her language skills, I truly believe her work teaching others to speak English helped strengthen her own.

But that was then and this is now.

It was difficult for me to hear my friend's complaints. She recently wrote me that she thinks her boss is a bully, saying the other employees aren't treated like she is.

My friend said she is humiliated by her boss in front of co-workers, students and staff. She reports she has to document everything she's working on and is denied requests for a leave.

As a matter of fact, my friend said that when she asked her boss why others are treated differently, her boss responded, "Because they are my friends."

It seems, at least according to my friend, that she has been singled out.

When working under these conditions, I know from personal experience, an employee may be more likely to fail because she feels as if she is walking on eggshells.

It then becomes a vicious cycle. The more the employee believes she is being bullied, the more she messes up.

Psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden said of self-esteem: "There is overwhelming evidence that the higher the level of self-esteem, the more likely one will be to treat others with respect, kindness and generosity."

Authors and husband and wife team Gary and Ruth Namie, whom I met years ago when they gave a talk at Oregon Health Sciences University in Portland, state in their book, "The Bully at Work": "In a matter of a few months, it is possible that a vibrant, healthy, competent employee can be driven to ruin — economic, physical and emotional. And this is all due to the unilateral decisions made by an incompetent, insecure, vicious individual backed by the power of an employer who did not want to get involved in a 'personal conflict' between two people."