Parents of bullies may fail to recognize signs

Some common misconceptions may lull the parents of bullies into failing to recognize warning signs.

Bullies are often star athletes or popular girls considered charismatic leaders by peers and adults, experts say. What's often missed or passed over as minor is a consistent pattern of control and aggression against other kids — behavior that socially savvy bullies can sometimes slide under the radar of grown-ups.

"It's not what we typically think of. It's not always the kid who's pushing kids down on the playground," says Rosalind Wiseman, who wrote "Queen Bees and Wannabes," the basis for the movie "Mean Girls."

"It's children who feel like they're the law of their school, that they have the right to set the law and if you challenge their power, like hooking up with the wrong boy, they have the right to put you in your place."

Massachusetts high school freshman Phoebe Prince, a recent Irish immigrant, endured months of taunts and threats after she briefly dated a popular boy, prosecutors say. The 15-year-old hanged herself at home Jan. 14 and six of her classmates face charges.

Though Phoebe reached out to her parents and school officials in South Hadley, studies indicate that up to half of bullied children don't report it. If they do, parents of perpetrators may not agree that the behavior of their kids rises to the level of bullying.

"If they face the reality that there's something wrong with their children, then there's something wrong with them and their abilities as parents, so a lot of parents don't want to face it," says Erika Holiday, a Los Angeles psychologist who co-wrote "Mean Girls, Meaner Women."

The "Stop Bullying Now" campaign of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services defines bullying as aggressive, intentional behavior that involves an imbalance of power or strength and is typically repeated over time. While it can be physical, it's often verbal, social or via cyberspace, driven by kids' easy access at increasingly younger ages to social networks, text messaging and e-mail.

Parents may be so pleased that their kids are on top socially that they fail to stress an important component of the role: power comes with "responsibility to treat others with dignity," Wiseman says.

"This really goes to how we function as a civilized society and what our responsibility is to each other," she says. "Parents say my kid's a good kid, he couldn't possibly get into this situation. He's a good athlete, he's well-liked, but now he's being suspended for the third time for some racial or hazing incident."