Bicultural couples blend traditions

WALNUT CREEK, Calif. — Next month, Rachel Carroll and Michelle Matt will walk down the aisle to the sounds of Caribbean steel drum music. Once they are under the chuppah, or wedding canopy, a rabbi will read passages from the Torah and instruct Matt, who is Trinidadian, to step on glass, a custom in Carroll's Jewish faith.

Later, at the San Francisco reception, guests will nibble on Trinidad Black Cake, a fruit cake made with rum. The cake will be inscribed with a verse from Corinthians, representing Matt's Baptist roots.

"It's been a joy," says Carroll, 43, of planning a cross-cultural ceremony. They got help from Berkeley, Calif., wedding planner Nelle Donaldson. "The only thing that's been challenging is figuring out what we want to do and finding a way to physically manifest it."

Planning a wedding is hard enough with one set of traditions. When a couple comes from different cultural or religious backgrounds, however, they must integrate both of their traditions into their special day. Some cross-cultural couples get particularly creative, blending traditions with help from family and wedding planners. Ultimately, though, they follow their own sensibilities to select the rituals that resonate the most with them and represent their style as partners.

Matt and Carroll, who've been together for four years, had much of that figured out before their engagement one year ago, the Oakland couple says.

"The wedding is really the culmination of having had those conversations and celebrated cultural events together already," Carroll says. "We make sure Passover and Easter are done in their entirety and get our full attention. Same with Hanukkah and Christmas."

Oakland, Calif., wedding planner Marilyn Ambra says communication is key when navigating a couple through the cultural highlights of their nuptials. She asks about their extended families and the traditions they grew up with and often spends time reassuring parents and family members on both sides that their cultural expectations will be met, she says. She also tries to make sure both sides are represented in the ceremony, the wedding's spiritual core.

"We tell couples not to shy away from the concept of blending the two cultures," Ambra says. "A unique celebration can be created that is very personalized, respectful and represents both values and beliefs. And that's so vital."