News flash: Rabbits are NOT scary

March is the month when I usually write my "Places You Might Not Want to Visit over Spring Break This Year" column.

FOR EXAMPLE! One year I suggested people should give Russia a miss. Why? Because for a while there it seemed like everyone who went to Russia got poisoned with polonium. And (like I always say) where's the fun in that?

Another year I noted that Florida was experiencing an upswing in alligator attacks, a reality that can best be summarized by the following mathematical equation:

Rampaging Alligators + Spring Break = Possibly Messy Complications

I don't know if my column caused people to change their vacation plans, but it did tick off a few native Floridians who wrote to tell me that I'm an idiot.

Which wasn't exactly a news flash.

Anyway. I was researching the topic for this year's column when I received an e-mail press release with the topic heading: "Tips to Help Kids Behave Well and Have Fun During Easter."

So, OK. The press release wasn't about "spring break." But at least it was about "spring." So I opened up the e-mail and discovered an invitation to speak with a behavior expert who tackles the following hard-hitting questions:

1. "What do you do when your child is afraid of the Easter Bunny?"

2. "What do you do when little kids find out there is ** SPOILER ALERT ** no Easter Bunny?"

OK. I barely noticed the second question, because, frankly I got stuck on the first. Seriously? Kids being afraid of the Easter Bunny is a big problem these days in America? Sort of like childhood obesity? Do we need to set up governmental task forces and determine why children are afraid of the Easter Bunny?

The answer is "no." I'll take care of things right now, thank you very much.

Listen to me, Children of America. I have something to say to you, so please sit up and pay attention. Children of America, ARE YOU NUTS?

Rabbits are NOT scary animals. Especially rabbits who bring you chocolate in the middle of the night and hide it in your backyard.

What do you think those rabbits with chocolate are gonna do? Hop into bed with you and nibble your ears off? The answer is "no," because as everyone who took biology from Coach Whitney at Provo High School knows, rabbits are "herbivores," not "carnivores," which means they eat salad for dinner and not YOU.

Oh, Children of America, if you want to see a scary animal, then come to la Casa de Cannon and meet my 175-pound Newfoundland who will cover you with (a) dog hair and (b) dog spit in five minutes or less. Now THAT'S scary.

Did I clear things up for you?

If not, then ignore the **SPOILER ALERT** and take a look at question No. 2.

Feel better now? No? Then pack your bags, hit the road this spring break and head for the nearest rabbit-free destination.

(Which, for the record, isn't Australia.)

e-mail: acannon@desnews.com