Ex-Etiquette: Infidelity is bad, but so is your reaction to it

Q: My wife had an affair. I had no idea and when I found out I went a little crazy. I didn't drink for five years, but I started drinking again and smashed the windshield of her car with a sledge hammer. I also wrote "whore" on the side of it. Our 11-year-old son witnessed the whole thing, but that's not the problem. He didn't want to go see his mother after all this happened, so she started taking him to counseling with her. Now he wants to go see her, and I think it's wrong. I think the counselor is convincing him to forgive his mother! How do I handle this?

A: Actually one of the problems you face is that your 11-year-old son witnessed you handle a very stressful situation very poorly. Although many understand the rage you felt, more than ever the children involved in the drama need to feel safe and secure. Watching his father get drunk and smash a car windshield may not be infidelity, but it's right up there as a really dumb thing to do in front of your kids.

Since neither you nor your wife can take back your choices, let's look at what you can do to help your child cope with the breakdown of your family. First, it sounds like both you and mom are out of control and offering your child counseling is a great idea. Courts often order "reunification counseling" when a parent and child become estranged. It can be a very effective way to defuse the anger felt by both and start them on the road to recovery.

A good therapist does not "convince" a patient to do anything. He or she may explore how forgiving or not forgiving someone will affect their life, but we have never heard of a therapist condone hurtful and dishonest behavior. A therapist's office is an excellent place for mom to express her sorrow for her bad choices and create a safe place for your son to explore his anger and hurt.

Second, get yourself into an alcohol recovery program. Third, stop the badmouthing! No matter what mom did, badmouthing her will not help your son. Kids quickly learn that they are half mom or half dad. He will personalize the badmouthing and internalize it. And, when he does forgive mom, he won't want to be around you for putting her down.

Jann Blackstone-Ford, Ph.D., and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents," are the founders of Bonus Families (www.bonusfamilies.com). Reach them at eebonusfamilies.com.

Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.