'Hitcher' remake is no improvement

THE HITCHER — ** — Sean Bean, Sophia Bush; rated R (violence, gore, profanity); Carmike 12 and Ritz; Century Sandy and South Salt Lake; Cinemark Jordan Landing.

Well, this finally answers the old complaint that Hollywood only remakes good movies, never the ones that could use the new coat of paint.

In 1985, the original "The Hitcher" was pure, unkillable-maniac schlock in the Jason-Freddy mold, but hardly what you'd call a good movie.

In fact, the one thing that made the slay ride stand out was the scenery-chewing performance of Rutger Hauer. With a merry twinkle in his eye, Hauer's self-abasement was a check-cashing exercise as bald (and, frankly, rewarding) as Rip Torn's turn in "Beastmaster."

The new film is one of those currently cool scene-by-scene re-creations, supposedly updated by a supposedly modern flip of boy-girl victim-hero roles.

Whatever. As the villain, Sean Bean still displays the stubbly man-funk that made roles like that of the historical hero in the long-running BBC musk 'n' muskets "Sharpe" series so memorable. But here he just seems like, well, some crazy scary guy who needs a shower.

For those unfamiliar with the story, two young lovers (Sophia Bush, Zachary Knighton) are on their way to a spring-break hoedown in the preferred manner of college students everywhere: in a boss 1970 Oldsmobile 442 hardtop.

On their way, they almost run over Bean, which then causes him to kill almost everybody in New Mexico and leads him to establish an unholy psycho bond of murder with our heroes.

In a never-before-seen twist, it turns out that he's a smelly desert-rat genius who — if he cannot possess his nubile victims — will frame them for his sanguinary misdeeds.

All of this will seem more than a bit familiar, if a tad less artful, to those who saw the original movie. The conceit of substituting Bush for C. Thomas Howell — he'll never be the man she is — is marginally amusing.

Ultimately, this is a bit of trash that will most comfortably line the cages of those who have no memory of or attachment to the original. This in itself is an idea more terrifying than anything portrayed in "The Hitcher."

"The Hitcher" is rated R for strong bloody violence, terror and language. Running time: 84 minutes.