"Cheaper by the Dozen" plays out like a virtual "greatest-hits" medley of moments from recent Eddie Murphy movies, with slapstick galore, splattering food and gags aimed at the groin or revolving around digestive disorders.

The funny thing — perhaps the only funny thing about the movie, in fact — is that Murphy isn't even in it. It stars Steve Martin, who should have known better.

The film will likely come as an unpleasant surprise to people who are expecting a sweet, gentle family comedy — along the lines of the 1950 original, which starred Clifton Webb and Myrna Loy.

This updated version is surprisingly mean-spirited, unfunny and features possibly the most annoying ensemble of child actors in recent memory (which includes Hilary Duff and Tom Welling).

Playing baby sitters of sorts to this ill-behaved brood are Martin and Bonnie Hunt, who star as Tom and Kate Baker, parents who have sacrificed a lot for their 12 kids. Now middle-aged, each has a chance to fulfill some dreams — he receives an offer to coach the football team at his alma mater and her book is snapped up by a publisher.

That will require them to move from their relatively tranquil home in tiny Midland, Ill., to sprawling Evanston. And their kids are none too happy about leaving their friends and childhood home behind. And they're determined to do something about it.

The selfishness and whininess of the bratty Baker children may be the film's most unpleasant aspect. It's not completely the fault of the cast — it's the script. That leaves Martin with little choice but to overcompensate with "wackiness," which is no longer his strong suit. To her credit, Hunt manages to escape with most of her dignity intact (she's already a pro at this, having worked similar wonders with the first two "Beethoven" movies).

"Cheaper by the Dozen" is rated PG for scenes of slapstick violence (rough-housing, pratfalls and a dog attack, supposedly done for laughs) and crude humor (gags about bodily functions and sexual innuendo). Running time: 99 minutes.

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