JEEPERS CREEPERS —* 1/2 — Justin Long, Gina Philips, Jonathan Breck, Patricia Belcher, Eileen Brennan, Brandon Smith; rated R (violence, gore, profanity, vulgarity, brief nudity); see the "On the Screen" column on Page W2 for complete listing of local theaters.

If "Jeepers Creepers" is what a "smart horror film" is supposed to be like, can we please start getting the dumb ones again?

Actually, despite claims that it's different from the standard, clichéd horror movies of the '70s and '80s — as well as the supposedly hip "Scream" clones that parodied them — this gruesome B-movie isn't any smarter than any of them.

And it's definitely not nearly as smart as it thinks it is. In fact, it's more sickening than anything else, and worse, it features two of the most shrill, unlikable characters that an audience has ever been encouraged to root for.

But perhaps the film's biggest mistake is letting us see the film's menace — a surprisingly hokey-looking creature that may elicit more laughs than screams.

As far as the story is concerned, it follows brother-sister duo Darius and Trish (Justin Long and Gina Philips), who are driving home for their college spring break. They've decided to take the backroads, and their trek quickly turns nightmarish.

First, the two are menaced by a mysterious van. And later, as their panic finally dies down, they spot the van's cloaked driver apparently unloading bodies and dumping them down a drainpipe.

You might think common sense would prevail, but the two decide to go back to investigate. Unfortunately, Darius falls down the pipe and discovers a horrifying "montage" of dead bodies stitched together.

So they head off to get the authorities, but the inhuman fiend has caught their scent, and worse, they discover they have something it wants.

Admittedly, the first third of the film is somewhat tense, though it borrows heavily from Steven Spielberg's "Duel," as well as "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre." But it gets increasingly more bizarre and ludicrous. (If you can't guess where this is going — including the supposedly "shocking" ending — you must be completely unaware of the lyrics to the song that provides this film with its name. Either that, or you may have left the theater early — in which case, good for you.)

And while much of the film's early tension can be ascribed to writer/director Victor Salva ("Powder"), the cast doesn't really help him out. The usually likable Long (from TV's "Ed," as well as "GalaxyQuest") is just irritatingly dumb here, while Philips (from TV's "Boston Public") seems to have a frown etched permanently on her face.

"Jeepers Creepers" is rated R for graphic horror violence and gore, occasional use of strong profanity and some vulgar sexual slang terms and glimpses of nude corpses. Running time: 91 minutes.

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E-mail: jeff@desnews.com