Some things defy explanation, such as why Sharon Stone continues to receive as much money as she does per movie and why the French love Jerry Lewis comedies so much.

Of the two, the French sense of humor may be the more unsolvable puzzle — especially if you judge it by "Just Visiting," the English-language remake of "Les Visiteurs," a 1993 fantasy farce that was the most popular comedy in the history of French cinema.

But if this frantically unfunny farce is any indication of what the original film is like, then language isn't the only difference between our two countries.

Despite being less than 90 minutes in length, the film feels at least twice that long, thanks to the nearly constant barrage of crude toilet humor, unsuccessful slapstick gags and chintzy digital effects, which aren't even video-game quality.

Returning from the French-language version are Jean Reno and Christian Clavier (who also co-wrote both versions), re-creating their roles as 12th-century French nobleman Count Thibault of Malfete and his bumbling manservant Andre, respectively.

They find themselves nearly 900 hundred years in the future — in modern-day Chicago — after a wizard's spell backfires (he was actually trying to send them into the past to prevent a tragedy from occurring).

Needless to say, they're both frightened and fascinated by this newfangled world and its machines. They're also fortunate to run into Thibault's descendant, Julia Malfete (Christina Applegate), who believes he is actually a cousin lost in a sailing accident. And while Thibault and Andre trying to find a way to get back to the past, they're also try to help the meek Julia reclaim her heritage.

Co-screenwriter/director Jean-Marie Gaubert has drastically re-worked the original plot, throwing in new characters and transposing the story from France to America. But something has evidently been lost in the translation, because the characters are unappealing and one-dimensional, and none of the high jinks are remotely funny.

However, as bad as the film is, it's hard to say it's an embarrassment for either Reno and Clavier, who starred in the original, after all. But this one is so low-brow and so extremely dim-witted that they surely can't be proud of it.

The same goes for former "Married with Children" TV star Applegate, and once-great character-actor Malcolm McDowell, who are making careers of similar stinkers.

And just what the heck is Kelsey Grammer doing associated with this movie, anyway? (The "Frasier" star provides the opening narration, though it doesn't really help explain this nonsense.)

"Just Visiting" is rated PG-13 for violence (sword battles and mayhem, most of it slapstick), scattered profanity, vulgar flatulence jokes and nude artwork. Running time: 88 minutes.

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E-MAIL: jeff@desnews.com