I'll Be Home For Christmas

Love him or hate him, you still have to feel sorry for Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

Not only has the teen star taken a lot of heat from the inevitable backlash against the fading television series "Home Improvement," it seems he's now stuck making lame retreads of co-star Tim Allen's movies.

Make no mistake, "I'll Be Home For Christmas" is little more than "The Teen Santa Clause." And if not for the movie's heart being in the right place, this lame teen road picture might be truly insufferable.

Actually, that term pretty much describes Thomas' performance as spoiled college student Jake Wilkinson, left in the unenviable position of hitchhiking from Los Angeles to New York during the holidays — while wearing a Santa Claus outfit (including a glued-on beard and hat).

But he's got extra incentive to get back East, since his creepy nemesis Eddie (Adam LaVorgna) — the guy responsible for his dilemma — is busy putting the moves on his girlfriend, Allie (Jessica Biel, from TV's "7th Heaven"). And Jake's father (Gary Cole) has promised him a sports car if he comes home before Christmas Eve.

On his cross-country trek, Jake also meets and influences the lives of several oddballs, including a dimwitted bumpkin who's transporting stolen goods (Andrew Lauer) and a highway patrol officer (Sean O'Bryan) who's trying to reconcile with his estranged wife. So, of course, these experiences start to convert the disbelieving and once-selfish teen.

As familiar as this material is, it probably wouldn't be so labored if director Arlene Sanford ("A Very Brady Sequel") had a better grasp on the script. As it is, the pacing is sluggish and none of the jokes work very well. (However, the idea of a Santa Claus 5K race is worth a smile or two.)

The filmmakers also made a huge mistake by pair-

ing Thomas and Biel romantically. Their relationship isn't even slightly believable, simply because he's so wimpy and her tomboyish appearance makes Thomas look even younger than he is.

(You also have to wonder which studio exec decided that the 17-year-old star would make a convincing college freshmen.)

"I'll Be Home For Christmas" is rated PG for scattered profanities (most of them religiously based) and some inappropriate vulgar humor, including double-entendres and one specific sexual reference.