Let's see how many alternates are in the thesaurus for "bizarre."

Well, it doesn't really matter. All that really needs to be said is, "Twin Peaks." Or, more correctly, "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me."

Yes, David Lynch has come up with the ultimate vanity film — a collection of cameos from his cult-favored TV series. In fact, the only really prominent characters in this big-screen prequel about events leading up to the murder of Laura Palmer are Laura herself and her father Leland (and by extension, the sinister spirit "Bob").

Everyone else gets just a few moments to meander by. Well, not everyone else. In fact, those who don't show up from the TV show make a smaller list: Sheriff Truman, Andy, Lucy, Hawk, Audrey, Benjamin, Josie, Catherine, Pete, Dr. Jacoby, Hank, Big Ed, Nadine, Annie, Windom Earle . . . .

But, hey, where would they all fit in? After all, there's only a little over two hours to squeeze in the rest of the huge cast of characters here (all portrayed by the original TV actors, save Donna, who is played by Moira Kelly instead of Lara Flynn Boyle). And David Bowie and Kiefer Sutherland.

Worse, no cherry pie, doughnuts or "damn fine cup of joe"!

If you're not a "Peaks" fan, you may be thinking, never mind all that — what's the story?

Actually, there isn't much story. Mostly there are a lot of weird disconnected scenes apparently intended to show us that Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee) was a troubled youth. And that she did drugs, prostitution and was sexually molested by her father Leland (Ray Wise) since childhood.

The film begins with a very lengthy prologue, a murder investigation in another small Northwestern town, which is linked late in the film to Laura's impending murder. In truth, however, it's just an excuse to get Special Agent Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan, who was the star of the TV show) into the picture, along with his FBI boss Gordon (co-writer/co-producer/director Lynch) and fellow agent Albert (Miguel Ferrer).

There are a few amusing moments, particularly in the early scenes, but the film spends most of its time wallowing in kinky sex, drug abuse and gory violence, with those zany, backward dream sequences featuring the dwarf, the one-armed man and a new bearded gentleman (Jurgen Prochnow, in the year's shortest cameo; no, actually, Peggy Lipton's quick, long-shot appearance as Norma may have been even more brief).

Fans who may be looking for clarification of the series, which was vague at best, will be sorely disappointed. In fact, so will fans looking for the atmosphere and satire so prevalent in the series.

Even Lynch fans will be hard-pressed to find anything redeeming in this one. It makes "Wild at Heart" and "Blue Velvet" seem downright comprehensible.

"Twin Peaks" is rated R for considerable violence, sex, nudity, profanity, vulgarity and drug use.