Essentially, the storyline of "Three of Hearts" is as old as cinema, updated here with a modern urban setting and a lesbian twist.

In the old days, this plot, which is pure screwball comedy, would have had a married couple - a Myrna Loy and a William Powell, for example - separating after a quarrel. Loy would storm out, demanding a divorce and Powell would recruit a stranger, say Cary Grant, to help win her back. Powell would have Grant woo Loy, win her over, then dump her so she'd go running back home. Then things would get complicated as Grant realized he really did love Loy.

But this is the '90s, so "Three of Hearts" casts Kelly Lynch as a woman spurned by her girlfriend, Sherilyn Fenn. Lynch hires William Baldwin to woo Fenn, dump her and send her back into Lynch's waiting arms. But, of course, Baldwin finds that he really does love Fenn.

Lynch is a Manhattan doctor, though she could stand to work on her bedside manner. The script calls for her to behave like a sappy teenager who's been stood up by a prom date. One minute she's screaming to passers-by in Central Park that Fenn is breaking up with her, and the next she's whining to a friend about it while examining a patient. Meanwhile, Fenn goes off to "find herself."

But the central character here is actually Baldwin's, a high-priced "male escort" whom Lynch hires to accompany her to a family wedding. There, she is taken by his charm and ease and decides to have him pursue Fenn on her behalf.

Things are further complicated by a fresh-out-of-prison slimeball who is sure Baldwin put him there. This forces Baldwin to hide out - and Lynch's apartment is the perfect place.

All of this has the potential to be a wonderfully funny farce if that's what "Three of Hearts" wanted to be. But director Yurek Bogayevicz ("Anna") and screenwriters Adam Greenman (the TV movie "Overexposed") and Mitch Glazer ("Scrooged") abandon the comedy early on in favor of a more morbid thriller motif, crossed with dramatic explorations of Baldwin's lifestyle, a la "American Gigolo."

Baldwin is up to the task and Lynch has some nice wacky moments but after a funny opening scene (phone sex interrupted by call waiting), the film never gets on track. If that's not enough, Fenn is so bland and dull that you may wonder why Baldwin and Lynch care about her at all. Worst of all is the violent subplot, which unravels foolishly and is revealed as merely a device to move things along.

"Three of Hearts" is rated R, of course, for considerable profanity and vulgarity, some jarring violence and sex and nudity (in a ridiculous music video sequence).