"Good Burger" equals bad, bad, bad, bad, bad movie.

And Ed, the film's "lovable" but clueless hero, may be the most irritating screen presence this side of "valley guy" Pauly Shore. Frighteningly enough, Kel Mitchell, who plays Ed, seems to have taken a page out of Shore's book with his extremely unfunny and painful performance, one of a score of major problems with the movie.

There are also a lot of vulgar references and sexual double-entendres, which are highly inappropriate for a "children's" movie, and a ton of lame jokes that will probably even bore the third-grade crowd that the film is obviously aimed at.

In fact, given the quality of this stinker and its so-so adaptation of "Harriet the Spy," an argument could be made that the Nickelodeon cable channel should be prevented from making another movie again.

The film is based on a series of sketches, starring Mitchell and Kenan Thompson, from Nickelodeon's "All That" program. What story there is revolves around a series of "burger wars" in Los Angeles, between the benign Good Burger restaurant and the big-business, quantity-over-quality newcomer, Mondo Burger.

With its glossy decor and huge burgers, Mondo Burger seems to be winning the war, until Good Burger employees Ed and Dexter (Thompson) discover a new "secret sauce" that their loyal customers love.

Of course, that doesn't stop evil Mondo Burger manager Kurt Bozwell (Jan Schwieterman) from trying to bribe the recipe out of Ed (including siccing MTV "talent" Carmen Electra on him) or, as a last resort, institutionalizng the duo and poisoning the restaurant's secret sauce stash.

There's supposed to be a good-natured message under this mess, presumably about bigger not always being better, but it's buried under lame attempts at slapstick humor, which culminates in a gooey finale that includes exploding hamburgers and mustard and ketchup fights.

Mitchell's not the only culprit here, though, as all the performances are uniformly bad. And a series of cameos and bit parts that involve Abe Vigoda, Sinbad and NBA star Shaquille O'Neal are more embarrassing than they are funny.

You can also blame director Brian Robbins, who teamed with screenwriter Dan Schneider (the duo starred together on television's "Head of the Class"). Robbins lingers too long when the scenes drag, as if waiting for a chuckle that will never come (catcalls are much more likely).

"Good Burger" is rated PG for slapstick violence, a few vulgar jokes and double-entendres, and a couple of scattered profanities.