Before you start feeling too sorry for the Amish — they are, after all, the butt of most of the jokes in "For Richer or Poorer" — just remember that they won't have the chance to see the movie. Would that the rest of us were so lucky.

Given the shoddy quality of this hastily conceived comedy, movie audiences may want to consider converting to the Mennonite faith just to avoid seeing it.

A sure sign of comedic mediocrity is when the movie characters laugh more than the audience. And considering that the film features little more than TV stars Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley yelling at each other while dressed in Amish clothing — for almost two full hours! — that's a certainty.

Of course, things could have been a lot worse. At least smarmy Tom Arnold, who teamed with this film's director, Bryan Spicer, for the laughless big-screen version of "McHale's Navy," isn't in the movie.

Allen and Alley star as Brad and Caroline Sexton, a pair of spoiled, bickering Manhattan socialites on the verge of divorce. Unbeknownst to them, their crooked accountant Bob Bachman (Wayne Knight, from "Seinfeld") has been skimming funds and making shady transactions in their names.

However, while the Sextons are clueless, the IRS isn't. The agency freezes the couple's accounts and sends its most overzealous tax investigator (Larry Miller at his most annoying) after them. The suddenly penniless duo steals a cab and flees the city, winding up in Intercourse, Pa., after nearly colliding with a cow.

The couple decides to lie low there with the local Amish sect, posing as Jacob and Emma Yoder, the long-lost cousins of farmer Samuel Yoder (Jay O. Sanders). But the Mennonites quickly put them to work, believing Brad to be a great horse trainer and Caroline to be a fantastic quilter.

At first the two complain almost nonstop about the hard work, but to their surprise they start enjoying it and rediscover the spark missing in their marriage.

If you were to guess that most of the movie's gags revolve around making fun of Amish clothing, food, work habits, etc., you'd be right. Worse still, Spicer later makes an insincere and unconvincing effort to make their simple lifestyle seem appealing.

It doesn't help, though, that Allen and Alley have virtually no chemistry together and seem completely uninspired. Allen's one-note performance consists of pulling "funny" faces, while Alley just screams and whines.

The supporting cast isn't much better — after all, most of them have ridiculous beards and bad German accents that are funnier than the material. Similarly, the "outtakes" shown during the closing credits were excised from the movie for a reason — they're even less funny.

"For Richer or Poorer" is rated PG-13 for profanity — including the usually R-rated one — vulgar gags and references, violence and sex (which is overheard but not seen).