Billy Madison

Oh, look. See Billy. Silly Billy.

Billy is 27 years old. Billy acts like he is 10. (Or maybe 3.)

See Billy act goofy.

See Billy make faces.

See Billy get drunk.

See Billy chase a giant penguin.

See Billy have pickle races on the window of a hamburger joint.

See Billy burn a bag of dog doo on an old man's porch. See the old man try to stomp out the fire.

See Billy play an academic version of strip poker with his teacher.

See what Billy does when the other kids dare him to try to touch the teacher's breasts.

See Billy's gay principal make a pass at him.

See Billy shout Hollywood's favorite swear word in an elementary school classroom.

Or better yet . . . don't see Billy at all.

"Billy Madison" is Adam Sandler's bid for movie stardom, a la Jim Carrey or Pauly Shore. But Sandler is no Carrey . . . and I'm beginning to think I've been too hard on Shore.

Sandler, a "Saturday Night Live" regular, co-wrote this film, which has him playing the title character, a spoiled 27-year-old who lives the life of "Richie Rich."

Billy's father (Darren McGavin) is a widowed hotel magnate, whose business is a Fortune 500 company, and he's about to retire. Naturally, he's reluctant to hand over the business to Billy, since all his son does is get drunk, sleep by the pool and generally act like an idiot.

And in yet another "Richie Rich" parallel, an evil employee wants to take over the company.

So, Billy comes up with a plan. One of his father's strongest objections is that Billy only graduated high school because the teachers were bribed. So, Billy suggests going through all 12 grades again — two weeks at a time — and graduating legitimately in 24 weeks.

Upon his return to grammar school, Billy finds that he doesn't exactly fit in with all these much-younger children — probably because they are so much more mature than he is.

He also falls in love with the third-grade teacher (Bridgette Wilson), which leads to romantic complications — she wisely doesn't want anything to do with him.

Along the way Billy finds himself framed by the evil vice-president and the school principal (Josh Mostel), who is blackmailed because of his secret past as a professional wrestler; Billy strikes up a relationship with the school bus driver (an unbilled visit by fellow "Saturday Night Live" regular Chris Farley); and every two weeks, upon graduating a class, Billy throws an elaborate kiddie-style party, complete with a fire-eater, a clown on stilts — and kegs of beer.

In small doses, Sandler can be charming and funny, as demonstrated by some "Saturday Night Live" skits and the laughs he got in a pair of otherwise forgettable comedies from last year, "Airheads" and "Mixed Nuts."

But here, completely unrestrained and on-screen for nearly the entire film, Sandler is just gratingly obnoxious. Worse, the humor never rises above silly scatological references.

Like so many "Saturday Night Live" skits, this film comes up with some interesting ideas but then doesn't have a clue what to do with them. Also like that show, this movie is just not funny.

Of course, stretching out a five-minute skit to 90 minutes is always an iffy proposition.

Let's just be grateful we never got Julia Sweeney's "Pat" movie.

"Billy Madison" is rated PG-13 for considerable vulgarity, profanity and violence.