Anaconda

It's been quite awhile since we've had a good old-fashioned monster movie. And apparently it's going to be quite awhile longer.

"Anaconda" is one of those laughable turkeys that can be fun if you're in the mood to hoot at the screen and if you attend with a like-minded group of friends. But if you're looking for something scary or chilling, look elsewhere.

Loaded with camp dialogue to spare and a monster snake that looks too much like it came out of a computer instead of the Amazon, "Anaconda" is another major misstep for director Luis Llosa (who last gave us the overcooked Sylvester Stallone-Sharon Stone thriller "The Specialist").

The story has a group of documentary filmmakers traveling upriver in the Brazilian rain forest, and it's obvious that none of these people have seen "The Creature from the Black Lagoon" or "Jaws," or they'd behave differently.

The principals include cocky anthropologist Eric Stoltz, stiff-upper-lip British narrator Jonathan Hyde and the film crew, director Jennifer Lopez, cameraman Ice Cube, sound mixer Owen Wilson and production manager Kari Wuhrer.

They are searching for a mystical tribe of Indians known as the "people of the mist," snake worshipers. And they don't get too far in their dilapidated barge before coming upon stranded local Jon Voight, who claims he can take them to the tribe. But he's actually the Captain Ahab of this picture, seeking out the great white whale . . . er, the huge dark snake of the title. And he's not hesitant about using his fellow cast members as bait. (He's so mean he kills a monkey and throws it into the river on a hook.)

But Voight is not quite as ruthless as the snake, and Llosa takes full advantage of his computer-generated star as it swallows a few people whole. There's a shot of the snake swimming by with a human face pressed against its skin — from the inside! A scene where the reptile swallows someone whole, and then regurgitates him so he can strike again. And finally — my favorite — a shot from inside the snake's endless throat, as it prepares to go down on yet another human victim.

Yikes.

One of Llosa's problems is that he shows the monster too soon. We see the snake's first attack very early on, as it wraps itself around a panther and squeezes so hard one of the big cat's eyes pops out of its head.