8 HEADS IN A DUFFEL BAG — turkey — Joe Pesci, Andy Comeau, Kristy Swanson, Todd Louiso, George Hamilton, Dyan Cannon, David Spade; rated R (violence, gore, profanity, vulgarity); Carmike Creekside Plaza and Carmike 12 Theaters; Century 9 Theaters; Cinemark Sandy Movies 9; Cineplex Odeon Broadway Centre and Midvalley Cinemas; Gateway 8 Cinemas; Redwood Drive-in (with "Scream").

No one expects a movie called "8 Heads in a Duffel Bag" to be a class act. But the paying audience might at least expect it to be funny.

No such luck.

This uninspired attempt at very dark farce is what a Tarantino movie might look like if it was directed by Jerry Lewis. On a bad day.

The story has Joe Pesci as an about-to-retire hit man who loses his head(s), so to speak, and then spends a couple of days trying to get them back. This takes him from Newark to San Diego to Boston, back to San Diego and ultimately to Baja, Mexico.

The film begins with a dark screen as we hear eight New Jersey mobsters being "whacked." Then Pesci is given the task of delivering the victims' heads to the big boss, as proof that his enemies have been killed.

Pesci isn't all that bright, however, and he loses his bag when it is accidentally switched with a similar duffel bag carried by a medical school student (Andy Comeau, in his first film — and perhaps his last).

As a result, Pesci winds up with a bag full of laundry while Comeau carries the bag full of heads to Mexico, to vacation with his girlfriend (Kristy Swanson) and her rich, snooty parents (George Hamilton and Dyan Cannon).

Meanwhile, Pesci heads for Boston to track down Comeau and terrorizes his college roommates (David Spade and Todd Louiso), then takes them along to Mexico to retrieve the heads. Naturally, mobsters are hot on their trail.

In and around this are lots of gags about the misplaced heads, with people screaming and running around like chickens . . . no, I won't go there.

Suffice it to say that none of this is funny — in fact, it's rather painful to watch.

Writer and first-time director Tom Schulman is, believe it or not, the screenwriter who won an Oscar for "Dead Poets Society." Of course, he also wrote "Medicine Man" and was executive producer on "Indecent Proposal."

But his directing here is of the frenzy-is-funny kind, occasionally demeaning his actors, who try their darndest to make something amusing of the mess he's concocted. From Cannon's wailing to Hamilton's posturing to Ernestine Mercer swearing a blue streak as Hamilton's mother, it's a most unpleasant mix.

When a movie's supposed highlight is a scene in which the severed heads, lined up on a motel desk, belt out a comic variation of "Mr. Sandman," you know you're in trouble.

In fact, when the incredibly obnoxious Mercer was finally thrown from a moving automobile, I found myself wishing it had been Schulman — before he finished the film.

"8 Heads in a Duffel Bag" is rated R for violence, gore, profanity and vulgarity.