8 development stages in blended families

In "When Your Parent Remarries Late in Life," author Terri Smith adapts psychiatrist Erik Erikson's eight stages of social-emotional development to the stepparent situation. She writes, "As an adult, you have passed through most of these eight stages at least once throughout your life, gaining experience along the way. You are aware of your social strengths and weaknesses. Use your strengths to to learn and progress through each phase of your relationship development."

Smith's list looks like this:

1. Trust vs. mistrust — usually occurs during the dating period when you wonder about ulterior motives. Your parent's behavior may also raise questions, casting doubt on the trust you placed in Mom or Dad if they are not forthcoming about the developing relationship or are acting in ways contrary to their teachings and values.

2. Autonomy vs. shame — manifests itself by exercising your independence, sometimes through stubbornness or negativism. You may not agree with your parent's decisions and try to persuade them to accept your way of thinking.

3. Initiative vs. guilt — or in other words, learning new skills, cooperating, leading as well as following, or becoming fearful and dependent on others. You can allow your reservations about your parent's marriage to consume you, or you can give the new stepparent the benefit of the doubt and initiate interaction.

4. Industry vs. inferiority which is indicative of your competence in developing new relationships. You learn to relate to Mom and Dad and your stepparent according to new roles and master appropriate social skills promoting unity. On the other hand, inferiority is a defeatist attitude leading to failure, inability or unwillingness to have a relationship.

5. Identity vs. role confusion — fits in well with the topic of old and new roles. Who am I? How do I fit into this new union?

6. Intimacy vs. isolation — Your choice is to isolate yourself from your parent or to open your heart with love to embrace your new stepparent.

7. Generativity (sense of accomplishment) vs. stagnation (self-absorption). How much do you care about others in working productively and creatively to redefine your family structure?

8. Integrity vs. despair — Here Smith quotes Childdevelopment.com, "The mature adult develops the peak of adjustment; integrity. He trusts, he is independent and dares the new. He works hard, has found a well-defined role in life, and has developed a self-concept with which he is happy. He can be intimate without strain, guilt, regret, lack of realism, and he is proud of what he creates." If any social or emotional conflicts in the first seven stages are unresolved, you may experience despair in your present situation.