Parents need guide for living through puberty

One of the (sort of) interesting by-products of having a column in this paper is that I'm always receiving online press releases from people or organizations that want me to promote a product.

In my inbox this morning, for example, I found a pitch for machine-washable shoes, asking if I was aware that "96 percent of shoes have coliform and E. coli bacteria on the outside of them."

Um. The answer is "no." I wasn't aware.

Still, while it doesn't exactly thrill me to think I'm tracking E. coli into the house, I'm pretty sure it won't kill me. Unless I get mixed up and eat my shoes instead of a cheeseburger for dinner.

The most interesting pitch (at least to me) involves a new book written for young boys (ages 8-11) about puberty. The author apparently discusses such issues as growth spurts, body odor and shaving. Which, of course, reminds me of the time one of our sons shaved off his eyebrows when he was in grade school because eyebrows were the only things he could find on his face to shave.

ME: Where did your eyebrows go?

SON: (Hiding razor behind his back) What eyebrows?

ME: My point exactly.

Obviously, my son could have used a book like this. Especially if it has a chapter called "What NOT to Shave." The author of the book, according to the press release, is also available for interviews. Among other things, she's happy to talk about how parents can "open up a dialogue" about puberty — something I didn't do very well with my oldest sons who are both married now.

Anyway, I forwarded my married boys the press release and apologized for not opening up meaningful puberty dialogues with them when they were 8.

However! If they have any questions now, I'd be happy to answer them! I'm something of a male-puberty expert these days, don't you know.

Actually, what I'd really like to see is a guide for PARENTS living with boys going through puberty. Suggested chapter headings include the following:

• "How Not to Overreact When a Normally Non-Violent Son Suddenly Punches a Wall. And Then His Brother's Head."

• "How to Keep Your Fridge and Pantry Full Without Going Broke."

• "How to Keep Talking to a Son Who Pretty Much Stopped Talking The Day He Turned 13."

• "How Not to Take Anything He Says Personally When He Does Talk."

• "How to Recognize, in Fact, That Your Son Still Really, Really Likes and Needs You. Because He Does! I'm Serious!"

• "How to Help Your Son Find His Brains Again After They Fell Out of His Head and Rolled Around on the Carpet for a Few Years."

• "How Not to Burst Out Laughing Yourself When You and Your Son Attend the Sixth Grade Maturation Talk."

This last item is the most important. BY FAR.

As it turns out, keeping a straight face while listening to a lecture on body parts with a roomful of squirrelly 11 year-old males is a LOT harder than you'd think. And a mom who's collapsing with giggles on the back row only makes things worse.

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E-mail: acannon@desnews.com