Ex-ceptional parenting: Former partners need to work together when raising children

It takes patience and hard work to build a new marriage, especially when the ex-partner is still in the picture. And the ex-partner is going to be in the picture as long as there are children to be raised.

Clifford recalls being heartbroken. She and her relatives huddled together in the winter sunshine. Her mom and sister and aunt listened to her anguish, and then they suggested that she take a parenting class. They said, "You need help learning to work with the father of your child."

After all, they reminded her, little Gabe is only 2. You and Brady have a lot of years ahead of you as parents of the same child. Perhaps surprisingly, Clifford appreciated the suggestion.

Clifford's aunt, Becky Otsuka, is the director of a foster-care program in Weber County. Clifford respects Otsuka's knowledge about how to relieve the stress in children's lives.

So Clifford decided to learn more about parenting with the ex-partner and she thought some of her friends might like to learn more as well. She asked her aunt to come talk to the single mom's group at Weber State University. Then, Otsuka began thinking about how to narrow the topic. She knows of a wealth of research on various aspects of parenting with the ex-partner.

Otsuka spoke to the mother's group in February. She told them, "So much of the conflict that comes about is minimized if parents both take the stance of mutual admiration of the child. That's what matters, admiration of the child."

Otsuka explained: When you can see and appreciate something in your child that comes from the other parent — difficult as that may sound — you will build your child's self-esteem.

"I agree it is a good concept," says Rick Miller, director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Unfortunately, Miller says, he knows a number of parents who can't stand a certain aspect of their child's behavior or appearance precisely because it reminds them of their ex-partner.

"It is really important to separate the two," he notes. It is important not to attach a negative connotation to the ways your child reminds you of your ex.

Still, even if you don't dislike your child's characteristics, even if you aren't exactly negative, you may not be quite ready to admire your child for being like the other parent.