Question: I've only been to one RSL match, and there was a guy banging on a drum the entire afternoon. What's up with that?
Answer: It takes your mind off the 0-0 score.

Question: Injuries kept David Beckham from coming to Salt Lake last year. Will we see him again?
Answer: Yes, absolutely! On "Entertainment Tonight."

Question: Will soccer ever be America's favorite sport?
Answer: Not as long as "American Idol" is on TV.

Question: But isn't soccer supposed to someday dominate sports in this country?
Answer: Don't be ridiculous. That would be like having a German win the NBA's Most Valuable Player Award.

Question: Why do people wear RSL scarves to games in the summer?
Answer: To match their RSL beanies, blankets and gloves.

Question: How did Sandy lure a Major League Soccer team to the 'burbs?
Answer: Same way it's trying to get a performing arts center. By asking pretty please.

Question: Is Sandy honestly the best place for soccer?
Answer: Of course it is. Youth soccer.

Question: Is Sandy multicultural enough for the international game?
Answer: Absolutely. It comes in three basic shades: basic white, Borax white and celestial white.

Question: Is RSL, as some experts say, a dark-horse team?
Answer: Perhaps, though judging by its first three years, calling it a nag is probably more accurate.

Question: What will the stadium be used for when RSL's not playing?
Answer: Concerts, youth and high school games and maybe some really great Amway rallies.

Question: Is there anything to do in Sandy before or after the games?
Answer: Yes, you can visit the new Wal-Mart, hang out at a fabric store or watch "Bend it Like Beckham" at Jordan Commons Megaplex 17. And don't forget, Smith's is open all night.

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E-mail: rock@desnews.com