Real Salt Lake: Let's have a ball and kick around some questions

"What are they building over there?" my daughter said the other day as we were stopped in heavy traffic at 90th South and State.

I told her I wasn't certain, but I thought it was either a Six Flags theme park or Real Salt Lake's rising soccer stadium.

Either way, it's going to be a roller-coaster ride.

But my daughter isn't the only person wondering what's going on out in the South Valley. I get asked related questions fairly often. For instance, who's paying for this big building? Is it (a) RSL owner Dave Checketts, (b) unsuspecting out-of-towners, via hotel taxes, (c ) John Q. Public, who might have used that hotel-tax money for something else or (d) the Tooth Fairy?

The answer is, of course, all of the above.

With RSL's fourth season about to begin, questions abound. Lucky for you, I just happen to have the answers. To wit:

Question: Soccer giant Real Madrid is coming to town again this August. Will the new stadium be finished by then?
Answer: The real question is whether RSL will be finished by then.

Question: Last time Madrid appeared in Utah, so did Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. What celebrities might show up this time?
Answer: This is Sandy. Early odds are on Kurt Bestor.

Question: Why has RSL been so pathetic so far?
Answer: Pathetic works sometimes. Ask George Constanza.

Question: They call it Major League Soccer, but is it really major league?
Answer: Yes, but only in the sense that Hootie and the Blowfish are actually blowfish.

Question: Are Larry H. Miller and Dave Checketts finished feuding?
Answer: Yes. At least until RSL decides to ask for a mailing list of Jazz season-ticket holders.

Question: Is soccer really the "world sport?"
Answer: Yes, it's just that Utah is in its own world.

Question: Sandy Mayor Tom Dolan was at the stadium's groundbreaking and tree-topping ceremonies. Is he a big soccer fan?
Answer: Hard to say, but this much seems certain: He's a big fan of any type of building project.

Question: I've only been to one RSL match, and there was a guy banging on a drum the entire afternoon. What's up with that?
Answer: It takes your mind off the 0-0 score.

Question: Injuries kept David Beckham from coming to Salt Lake last year. Will we see him again?
Answer: Yes, absolutely! On "Entertainment Tonight."

Question: Will soccer ever be America's favorite sport?
Answer: Not as long as "American Idol" is on TV.

Question: But isn't soccer supposed to someday dominate sports in this country?
Answer: Don't be ridiculous. That would be like having a German win the NBA's Most Valuable Player Award.

Question: Why do people wear RSL scarves to games in the summer?
Answer: To match their RSL beanies, blankets and gloves.