Sports are in a state of denial

Not many people know this, but I once served three years with an elite Special Forces team in Afghanistan. I also spent two years touring as part of Neil Young's backup band. The first President Bush invited me to be ambassador to Micronesia, but I declined.

I was busy inventing the Internet.

If this all seems almost too good to be true, that's because it's all lies.

But who's going to disprove them?

Perhaps you've noticed lying has actually replaced bragging as the behavior of choice among athletes. Track star Marion Jones repeatedly lied about her performance-enhancing drug use. She continued right up until she was on her way to jail. Then she apologized, which isn't telling the truth as much as acknowledging being caught.

But until then, the best defense — as any athlete knows — is a strong offense. Roger Clemens' response to steroid allegations is to take a page from the Barry Bonds Book of Denial by getting indignant and fuming.

In other words, looking the way he does when someone crushes his 0-2 pitch out of the park.

First, you get scrappy and combative and claim your good name has been besmirched. Then you insist the recollections of others are "misremembered." For good measure, you attack the character of your accusers.

Maybe you do like Indiana basketball coach Kelvin Sampson. You make almost 600 impermissible recruiting calls at one school (Oklahoma), then 100 at the other. Next, according to allegations, you lie to NCAA investigators.

You invoke the pain it has caused your family, even though it's possibly your own behavior that brought it on.

Perhaps you spy on the opposition, like Patriots coach Bill Belichick, but claim you have never resorted to such behavior. In another situation, you insist you couldn't pick your accuser out of a lineup.

In some cases, you plead you didn't really know what you were doing. Or perhaps you do as pitcher Andy Pettitte did on Monday. You behave like a stand-up guy — 1 1/2 years after the stories arise. In 2006 he said, "I haven't done anything. I guess reports are saying I've used performance-enhancing drugs. I've never used any drugs to enhance my performance in baseball before. I don't know what else to say except to say it's embarrassing my name would be out there."

Even more embarrassing that he lied.

Doesn't anyone ever consider telling the truth the first time around?

The MPL (Most Proficient Liar) of all time is O.J. Simpson, who right now is involved in another controversy. He's saying his girlfriend got a brain injury by slipping at a gas station. He also said she got various bruises and abrasions by constantly falling while drunk on a recent trip to San Antonio.