My Rx: a triple dose of fitness

In an effort to really, really take care of my weight problem for good this time ... no, really! — I've recently started training for a triathlon.

Yes, really.

This makes sense, of course. After all, I am an experienced fishlike swimmer, a veritable Lance Armstrong on thin wheels, and a fleet-footed distance runner who thrives on pounding the pavement for miles and miles.

OK, not really.

I'm much more suited for three-course desserts than three-event physical challenges.

In reality, I've never competitively ran, jogged or crawled more than a mile, except in junior high school when that mean P.E. teacher threatened to either flunk me or make me miss lunch or something horrible like that if I didn't waddle around the back field for at least 1 1/2 miles.

I once had to swim 100 yards to get my swimming merit badge, but the only part of that experience I remember was how my Scout leaders warned us to scream immediately to warm up our lungs when jumping into that High Uintas lake. Brrr.

I'm still waiting to get my much-deserved How-to-Doggy-Paddle-Around-an-Iceberg merit badge.

As for cycling, I have some experience pedaling oh-so-many moons ago when I toured part of de France. Thankfully, pinstripe suits, white shirts and ties won't be required attire for this triathlon.

And, hopefully, I won't have to use my face as a brake in a French gutter to avoid crazy European drivers, resulting in a forehead full of gravel chunks and a visit with Dr. Seuss (yes, really!).

Despite being 100 pounds overweight and never having raced in a long swim, a longer bike ride and a long (for me) run — let alone back-to-back-to-back — I am committed. I like the idea of training for something and working toward a goal that isn't scale-related.

Now, don't look for me in the Hawaii Insaneman, er, Ironman. My first "tri" will be a "sprint," consisting of 400 yards swimming, an 11-mile bike ride and a 5K run. Ouch, ouch and ouch.

But I'm determined to finish it.

Even in the same day as everyone else.

I've actually already envisioned this triumphant moment: An enthusiastic crowd jumps up and down, screaming "Jody! Jody!" while I raise my arms and burst across the finish line, exhausted but exhilarated.