Presidential candidates aren't so hot

As the political version of "American Idol" moves into Michigan this week, the presidential campaign has seen its field of "real" candidates reduced to a not-so-magnificent seven.

Before that, there were seemingly hundreds of men, women and children running for the highest office in the land. You couldn't go to the grocery store without bumping into one of them in the aisle.

Anyway, those who are even remotely in the race — and by this, I mean their candidacy does not invoke laughter — are: Huckabee (I can't remember his first name); Mitt Romney, who was named after his favorite sports equipment; John McCain; and that former New York mayor, whatshisname, Rudy Julie-Annie (note to self: be sure to check the spelling). Those are the Republican candidates. The Democratic candidates are Hillary, Obama and John Edwards.

This excludes some other "candidates" who are still technically running for office but have no chance whatsoever, including Fred Thompson, the commander of the aircraft carrier in "Hunt for Red October," and Ron Paul, who took self-deprecation a little too far on Leno last week, after which my friend Brad Rock noted, "I'm sorry, but I want my president to be smarter than I am." And Brad isn't that smart.

The point is, as I have surveyed the field of candidates these many months, one question continually pops up in my mind: IS THIS THE BEST WE CAN DO?

There are, what, 300 million Americans? Aren't the odds pretty good that there is another Truman or Lincoln or Roosevelt (either one) out there? OK, Gerald Ford?

Raise your hand if you personally know at least three people who would make a better president than any of the above.

During your darkest moments, have you ever faced the deep questions, such as, what will you do if the choice for president comes down to Hillary or Huckabee — and leaving the country is not an option?

Huckabee made a fast start in the campaign, but he'll never win. He's too geeky to be commander-in-chief, although that didn't stop Richard Nixon, and — let's be honest here — he's got a bit of a name problem. Which one's not like the other one — Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Jackson, Huckabee? At least he doesn't lack company. The parents of Rudy and Barack clearly were not thinking "presidential material" when they named their children. After all, we have to uphold the fine tradition of presidential-caliber names in the White House, such as Millard, Herbert, Rutherford, Lyndon and Chester.