Moms' duty is to embarrass their children

My favorite news story of the past few weeks is the one involving John McCain's 95-year-old mother, Roberta, who famously dissed the Mormons when she appeared with her son on MSNBC. Speaking of Mitt Romney, she said, "As for the Salt Lake City thing, he's a Mormon and the Mormons of Salt Lake City caused that scandal."

When given a chance by her (presumably) startled son to step away from the comment, Roberta said, "Well, that's my view and you asked me."

Which is EXACTLY what any mother would say if her own son challenged her right there on national TV. Kids! You blow out your abs during pregnancy after which you suffer through labor and delivery — possibly without an epidural — and THIS is how they repay you. They're just all "the views of my mother's are not necessarily the views of mine." Which is what John McCain said.

Whatever that means.

So. Anyway. I've been trying ever since to imagine what the senator and his mother said to each other on the long, long (really long) car ride back home to Arizona.

ROBERTA: You're sulking again, Johnny. Why are you sulking?

JOHN: Mom! You totally embarrassed me in front of all my friends! And also the nation!

ROBERTA: Pshaw! Who cares what the nation thinks? Silly nation! At the end of the day the only thing that matters is what you think of yourself. To thine own self be true and all that jazz.

JOHN: Mom! Hello! I'm running for freaking class president of the United States, and I need everybody to vote for me. Not just the popular kids.

ROBERTA: The popular kids?

JOHN: You know. Kids like Marcia Brady. Also her step-brother Greg. Although definitely NOT her sister Jan.

ROBERTA: Is Jan a Mormon?

Here's the deal. It's a mother's job to embarrass her children, OK? Even when those children are on national TV. ESPECIALLY when they're on national TV. I know if I were on national TV, I would embarrass my kids so much they would have to enter the Federal Witness Protection Program, and no one would ever see or hear from them again.

Listen to me, girls. Unless we are seriously embarrassing our children (particularly when they're in junior high school) (or when they're running for president of the United States), we are NOT doing our duty.

Sure. Kids are great. But it doesn't hurt them now and then to be reminded of who was here first. Namely, the moms. And because of that we have a few things to get off our chests.

As for the Mormon part — were any of us seriously offended by Roberta's comments? I don't know. But we shouldn't be. Taking offense, ultimately, is the same thing as feeling victimized. In which case we would have to acknowledge that we allowed ourselves to be beaten up by a 95-year-old woman.

So come on, people. Cut Mrs. McCain some slack and stop playing the victim. Playing the victim is just so unattractive —and not very useful, besides. That's what I would say if you were my kids.

(And then — trust me — I would do something to embarrass you.)

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E-mail: acannon@desnews.com