We're a sorry lot to think we must apologize so often

We are a pretty sorry lot. I mean, a lot of us go around saying we are sorry — a lot. Running late in my clinic, as I seem to invariably do, I recently burst into an exam room. The mother, in her effort to keep her sick, tired and bored child entertained, had her up at the sink playing in the water. It was actually a pretty delightful scene. Except, as I rushed in, the mother apologized to me.

I was the one who was late and de facto rude for making her stay cooped up in a small room with a toddler. Yet, "I'm sorry" was the first thing out of her mouth.

It came from her so fast and instinctively, it must have been rehearsed hundreds if not thousands of times: "I'm sorry." It was not a statement of manners, because I was at fault. Instead, it was more like a reflexive act of self-defense. If one seeks forgiveness first, the beating wouldn't be as severe.

I don't doubt her sincerity, but it made me wonder about her upbringing. From our beginning we learn, in the millions of exchanges between child and parent, how to survive. Humans exist as social creatures. We learn how to behave from others. We watch. We act. Our parents react. They send messages. We receive and decipher the code.

This constant rehearsal molds us into who we become. We are what the millions of moments teach us to be.

The theme of these minute-by-minute tutorials is always the same: How to stay alive and safe in a cold, cruel world. We learn about relationships, for it is in the relationship between mother and child that we are secure physically and emotionally. Initially, security is all about proximity. Being close is safe; being far away is dangerous. Just look around at any mother child dyad in nature and you will see the same need to be close in times of distress. Yet there is an exception. If the mother is emotionally overwhelmed or was taught to be insecure avoidant, the child instinctively learns there is a defined distance of proximity between the two. Too close and the mother becomes uncomfortable, thereby defining the tolerable emotional distance. Children become like satellites in geosynchronous orbit. They are fixed in space at a set distance from Earth in order to be in constant communication. So to be close, the child has to be far away. Sensing the parental distress, kids are taught manners very early.