Coffee, tea or ... whee!

AROUND THE WORLD IN A BAD MOOD: CONFESSIONS OF A FLIGHT ATTENDANT, Rose Wagner Center, through Nov. 11 (355-2787 or www.arttix.org), running time: 70 minutes (no intermission)

"Welcome aboard Flight No. 5050,"beaming flight attendant Rene Foss says just before take-off. She's speaking to those in mostly coach-class seating in the Leona Wagner Black Box Theater. Then she cautions that we'll be aboard "for three hours on the taxiway and 55 minutes in the air."

Foss, who really is a working flight attendant, is in Salt Lake City for three weeks, performing her one-woman comedy about the airline industry.

Like some flights, it was a little bumpy at times, but most of this comedic trip was pretty smooth sailing.

Well, maybe not. There's "The Security Game," where passengers play "Is That Your Bag?" while attempting to successfully maneuver the security check-in trauma. One wrong answer can send you (and your luggage) back to the end of the line.

Foss spreads her wings through about a dozen scenes, touching on such topics as flight-attendant training (under the tutelage of a Nazi-caliber instructor), the hard lesson that seniority rules in the cockpit, the drastic changes in meal service over the past few years (with an understaffed, overworked crew attempting to serve everyone aboard a very short flight) and a glimpse at the secret sign language used by attendants.

One clever bit was a hastily improvised performance of "Macbeth," after the video machine breaks down. Using air-sick bags as hand puppets, Foss gives an airline version of Shakespeare, in which there's a battle over the seat assignment for " ... 2-B or not 2-B."

She also offers advice that she had picked up during 20 years on the job. Always know where your nearest exit is ... cut back on your excess baggage ... sometimes the folks sitting in "coach" are nicer than those in "first class."

She also tossed in a reflective look back at "the golden age" of flying, when her mother was a stewardess in 1951-59. And my, how things have changed.

Some of the pre-flight airport announcements were very clever, too — such as "Paging Imelda Marcos. Pick up your 10 boxes of shoes at Luggage Claim."

Sensitivity rating: A small amount of adult language.

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E-mail: ivan@desnews.com