Coping skills — or lack of — travel with children through life

As a pediatrician, I like parents to travel in time. When they come into my office with their child I want them to see their creation as a grown woman or man "35 years in that direction." Instead of sitting on the exam table in diapers grabbing at their ears, they are standing in an office building or home, dressed in a suit or in the attire of a parent. They are not visiting a doctor for an earache but encountering a work challenge or a challenge in their homes.

A person's struggles will change in 35 years, but the biology will remain the same. There will be adrenaline, there will be cortisol and sympathetic nerve stimulation. There will be faster heartbeats, higher blood pressure and quicker breaths.

Knowing what to do with these feelings must be taught to the child — in the diaper on the exam table. Being instructed by a personal trainer in coping skills teaches a child how to respond to pain and stress in 35 years — how to meet a deadline or deal with their own future children in need.

By recognizing the emotions and responding appropriately, a parent is embedding in their child of 35 weeks the neuronal connections and emotional skills they will need to use when they are 35 years. Recently, in my office, I watch in humbled awe how a father coached his toddler in stress management. He held the child, talked to him, explained what was happening. He told his son that he was there then embraced him gently while I looked in his boy's ears. Now, fast forward three-and-a-half decades in the future to a crisis not of tender ears but of painful decisions or painful circumstances. The tension builds, but there is a quiet sense in that child that he is not alone. The grown child looks around for support from others, talks about what is going to happen, considers options and then faces the pain with a confidence that he can't explain and can't remember learning. Even if the struggle and solution do not include others, that child will still have an internal impression that he is not alone.

Contrast that with a different scenario — acted out in some clinic 35 years earlier. This time the parent is less sensitive, not mean or uncaring, just less aware or less conscious of feelings or stress. Suppose the child is told he or she is just fine or to stop crying. Instead of a conversation of reassurance, there is silence and no calming. In the future, the pressure of a business deal or personal struggle will be handled alone. The tension and the internal pressure will increase. They will be up at night trying to figure out the solution by themselves. They don't delegate well. They don't collaborate easily. They forge ahead thinking they alone know what is best. When they are alone, they are really alone.

As parents we start the future for our children. If we practice the sensitive style of "solution solving," our children will learn. We teach them the future every moment.

Parents bring a child in for an ear infection. Little do they realize they are carrying their future grown-up daughter or son on a trip in time.

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Joseph Cramer, M.D., is a fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics, practicing pediatrician for more than 25 years and an adjunct professor of pediatrics at the University of Utah. He can be reached at jgcramermd@yahoo.com.